Shortly after my husband left my then 15 year old became openly rebellious and seemed constantly angry toward me and his siblings. He stepped on them as he walked across the room. He leaned against the preschooler, crushing his hand against the carseat. He glared at me and refused to comply with my requests.
It came to a head when he grabbed my arm and yelled, “No!” at me. I told him he had to live with his dad if he was going to act like him. He stole my phone and tried to leave with it, stating he was going to call the church and “see if there is someone who will take in a youth” because he wasn’t going to live with either of us.
I could see that he was looking for a stranger’s home where he would be treated like a guest and expectations would be nonexistent.
I made a deal with him that required he go to counseling. He accepted and thus began a year long journey of self discovery and change. And, I not only loved my son, but I liked him once again.
We were fortunate. His counselor was a soft spoken man with tremendous insight and wisdom. He could confront the truth and remain encouraging. He was a godsend. He diagnosed my son with Oppositional Defiant Disorder, ADHD, and Dysthymia.
A pleasant young man graduated counseling the following August, and I naively thought the divorce was my last hurdle.
Slowly but surely the prior hateful looks began to take up residence in our home. The upper lip stiffened whenever I spoke to him. He stayed up late and slept in, leaving the mountain of rural chores to my 12 year old and me. He dictated benign activities, controlling his younger brothers until his anger infected them.
Facebook was his constant companion, and 4,000 texts a month were an easy achievement. But, his schoolwork was chronically late and incomplete.
The children and I waited in the car for him while he lingered in the house, causing us to be late for work, church, and just about everywhere else we might go.
Yet, all the while, he bought me coffees and expressed deep concern for his friends. He seemed, on the outside, to be a thoughtful young man. But, at home or in the car with me, the hateful looks abounded and he could only respond with a snappy tone.
One morning a few days ago, around 11, I still had not seen nor heard him. We should have started school at 9. The house was freezing, so I thought I’d enlist his help and get him started for the day. I called his name. My 6 year old came running down the stairs ahead of him, eager to tattle. “R said, ‘Oh, my God!’ when you hollered for him. And, he stomped!”
I asked him what was going on and offered him to give me his solutions for what would make him happy. Silence.
My youngest said his brother even looks like Dad. He said, “He looks like R
when he used to get in your face and say, ‘L!”
My adult daughter commented on his behavior on Saturday.
By Sunday you could cut the tension with a knife. He offered to stay home and stack the wood that I had asked him to stack last summer while I took the younger ones grocery shopping. I thought the time alone would be good for him, so I agreed.
I was shocked eight hours later to see very little accomplished in all that time. I asked if he’d been on Facebook or texting, and he angrily confessed that he had. His attitude screamed, “How dare I question him!”
I decided I’ve coddled him long enough and have created a monster. I told him to put the computer in the school room. It is to be used only for school from here on out. Then, I took his phone.
I told him the phone is for visitation and activities, not to use all day when he’s supposed to be doing school. He was angry.
Because my own mother rummaged through my personal belongings constantly I’ve always adhered to a strict policy of respect for my kids’ privacy. However, I thought I’d better see who he was texting 4000 times a month, so I peeked.
I saw texts back and forth between him and the charter school teacher. He was blatantly lying about me and reporting me for abuse. She was encouraging him. I grew up with her sister. And, our daughters are playmates. We’ve even traveled to a neighboring town for her daughter’s birthday party. I thought I knew her. I thought she knew me.
Apparently these back stabbing, inflammatory texts have been going on for months. I’d thought she’d acted funny toward me all year. But, ya know, I can be overly sensitive so had just attributed it to stress in her own life. She never said a word to me about it though. She apparently never suggested my son talk to his counselor or discuss his feelings with me.
My daughter works for the state’s family services division and is working on her Master’s in Mental Health counseling. Her professional opinion is that he needs someone to hold him accountable, not label him with a diagnosis.
I called the local public high school. The guidance counselor seemed to really get the issues with ODD. He expressed that they sit the student down and make sure the student understands “this is their responsibility. “
That’s what my son needs to prevent him from ending up like his dad. Individuals, responsible adults, who will help my son realize personal responsibility and accountability. Not someone to encourage him in his lying, his excuse making, in making himself a victim, and in acting phony. She may have had good intentions, but she encouraged him in the worst direction.
When I shared with her, before this all happened, that I worry about this son, she told me “mercy before judgment.” Unfortunately, she didn’t apply her own philosophy toward me. And, in her effort to be the cool, buddy teacher she encouraged a fragile, damaged young man to follow in his father’s footsteps.
I’m weak. I’m fragile and damaged, too, but I’m not letting him go that easily. I’m determined he will not become a typical DV statistic without a good fight from his mama. I’ll muster what little I have left to make sure it is not another case of like father, like son.
Good luck, I wish you all the best with your son and I hope your other children aren’t too affected. Sounds like he does need all those things you’ve mentioned, especially accountability, and I’m sure that with them he won’t become his father. Especially when he realises that another mother could have tossed him out of her house or beaten him for his behaviour. You sound like a good parent!
Thank you so much for the edification! Boy, I sure need that today. I’m feeling very uncertain of these quick decisions I feel I’m being forced to make. Thank you!
Well I hope it all turns out well, I guess sometimes hasty decisions are the best. Good luck
Thank you! I have a tendency to not move when I should, just out of fear, so it is possible this is a good thing that I am being forced out of my comfort zone and to just move quickly on gut instinct. I’ll keep ya posted. ; )
Um, this hit way too close to home. I need to think on it and respond later. But I will say that it helped me to read this and that I understand that the issue is not normal teenage oppositional behavior. Hugs to you — and me.
I’m eager to hear your thoughts once you have time to process what you’re feeling and thinking. Hugs!!!
I have been going through some stuff with my son, my only son. It scares me that he may have inherited some traits from his dad. I hope, rather, that he’s learned them, since learned behavior can be unlearned. I have been talking about his behavior with professionals – the psychologist/therapists that I see because of my daughter’s condition, because the family dynamic is important to all. What has been the most helpful lately to me was getting confirmation that this is not just normal teenage rebellion/behavior. This is over the top. I need to hear that. Looking back on my life and marriage it seems that since I was so isolated I didn’t know that some behavior isn’t “normal” “typical” and that other couples do other things – together. I didn’t know. It’s important to check things out with people. My son wants me to be kept in the dark, in a different way than his friends treat their parents. He’s a very angry boy and he projects all of his anger onto the women in his life — me and his sisters. He stated that he has no respect for us. It’s a difficult situation. I so want him to grow up to be a good man, boyfriend, husband, father. His dad encourages the teasing/bullying of his sisters. It’s sad, frustrating.
George Simon Jrn has written a lot of helpful things, including The Ten Commandments of Character Development.
I think you might find them helpful in correcting and training your son. I know it is not easy; you can try your hardest to correct him but what he does with your attempts will be up to him. It may help you to read all of Simon’s books as they are all top notch.
http://counsellingresource.com/features/tag/series-on-developing-character/
I’m so sorry to hear that.
Friends try to encourage or console me, too, by saying that it’s just normal teenage stuff. But, it truly is not. What these boys have seen modeled is anything but “normal.” I had been just completely distraught over my son’s behavior, but recently I’ve come to a place of peace over just letting him go. I have him in counseling again, and I put him in public school, which gives my other kids a break from his scary and disruptive behavior. Hopefully he’ll be going to a military school in July. I’ve heard WONDERFUL things about it, and I pray that it is what he needs to turn around. But, I prayed that a lot of things would turn his dad around over the years, too. He’s going to have to want “normal” for himself.
It is all horribly sad and and frustrating, but I’m increasingly feeling that, just like I had to let his dad go, I have to let him go, too. I feel like the only thing I can do is talk to my younger ones about their own individuality and rights. I hope that they’ll learn the tools and skills they need to stand up to this. Unfortunately, I’m beginning to see that there is a bully or abuser around every corner. I guess this is just one more learning opportunity for them on how to be assertive and self-assured. :/
It would be so easy for you to turn your back on your son, kick him out and focus on the other children, but you haven’t. You love him unconditionally. No matter what. And the others are watching …
Bless you for being a good mother to your hurting kid. This surely isn’t the journey you signed up for, but it’s the one you are on. Maybe there is a book in here somewhere that will help others and give you a winter home in Maui
I’ll be praying for you today. Blessings.
Oh, Morven, I chuckled even though this is a serious subject. Running away to Maui sure sounds nice right now!
I know that turning my back on him will only harden his heart, especially toward women. It would guarantee the worst of results. Surely, it would justify his hatred. And, leave him without guidance.
It’s a fine line to walk. Because we’ve been under such tight control, I want my children to experience the freedom of expressing their own individuality and having a say in their lives, but they are still wounded children who need boundaries and structure. It is the hardest thing to do. I think I’ve erred on the side of not setting enough boundaries since my husband left. There are more layers to this onion than I ever imagined!
Thank you for the encouragement…..and the book idea. As I mentioned, my oldest daughter is currently working on her Master’s in Mental Health Counseling and works at Children and Family Services. She comes at her work with a unique perspective because she was raised in an abusive home. She gets it. Perhaps that Maui making book should be a mother/daughter collaboration! ; )
Thank you for the prayers!!!!
Yes, it’s so hard to walk this road. I will be praying for you. Obviously the teacher has no clue what abuse is like and how it affects kids. (I do want to smack her, but I have a nasty head cold and am very short tempered this morning)
Thank you for the prayers!!! No, she has no idea. I’m trying not to be angry with her. She is also my 13 year old’s teacher, so I felt that I needed to talk to him about it, but I wasn’t sure how to bring it up or how far to go. HE ended up bringing it up while we were working in the kitchen together. He looked sheepish and said, “Mom, I complained about you to R, but I never thought he would tell anybody else or that he would twist it like that.” I told him that’s why we have to be careful not to get sucked into complaining about other people and why we have to be very careful about who we confide in. I told him that there are times he’ll need to get things off his chest or times he’ll feel I or someone else isn’t being fair. But, to go to someone older and WISER for advice on how to handle it. Don’t just sit around with peers complaining. Then, regarding the teacher, I told him that she may be a great teacher, but she isn’t is counselor. She has no background in abuse. No training, no education, no experience. But, she acted like she did and caused damage. I told him it would be like me acting like I know a lot about plumbing and barreling in to a friend’s house to fix their toilet. I suggested he call his oldest brother in DC, who is 24 and has a very good head on his shoulders, whenever he needs to vent.
The little bit of anger I feel about what she did is because it should have been evident to her what was up. My son has a trusted relationship with a professional counselor. He still spends a couple of hours a month at the counseling facility. He has a sister who works for a protective agency and plans to be a counselor. He has ample opportunity to share abuse with professionals working with victims. If he were really being abused, why would he not share with the counselor??? Our local DV shelter won’t allow boys over 12 to stay with their mothers because of this kind of stuff. Abusers often portray themselves as victims and are usually very charming. I feel like she really should have had more than one clue! And, now she has been instrumental in destroying all the hard work that was done by my son, the counselor, and me in getting my son to the point he was when school started this year. Oy!
double Oy!!
My children are much younger but my oldest has had the same sort of issues. He is very rebellious, lies, and has gotten into trouble more then once for hitting in school. Once when I confronted him as to why he hit a little girl in school he said “because she wasn’t obeying me” I almost lost it!! I told him the was never aloud to hit anyone unless it was self-defense and he was NEVER aloud to hit a girl and then I took his t.v. and videogame privileges away from him for two weeks. I don’t know if he will ever do it again but I do know that there has to be consequences. Not haveing them is how are abuser became abusers…It hurt me to come down on him so hard, part of me so desperately wanted to hold him and tell him that I understood that he is hurting, but I know that it won’t help him become the man he should become.
I am sorry that he is doing this to you but you were 100% in the right when you set boundaries for him. Stay strong and firm! He doesn’t need someone who coddles him he needs someone who is strong and teaches him that there are boundaries and responsibility for actions. I am proud of you!!
Thank you so much for the encouragement and support! And, you, too, are doing the right thing. There is security in boundaries. Our children haven’t had much security, so it’s all the more critical that we actively teach them healthy boundaries. You hit the nail on the head–we’re raising men, not children. We have a responsibility to them and a duty to God and all of society to make sure they grow up strong in spirit, healthy in emotion, mighty in character.
Hitler said something to the effect of give him a child by the age of 3 and it would be his forever. All these poor children know is what has been modeled to them by their wicked fathers. I’m working on a blog about a comment my 13 year old made the other day. I was dumb founded by his thinking errors! HOWEVER, I fully believe in the healing power of Christ and that He is a restorer. Our children can and will be restored. Unless, of course, ignorant people interfere simply to make themselves feel important.
This has been yet another lesson for me though, too. I am way too gullible and trusting and I still make too many assumptions. I assume a friend is a loyal. I assume someone in the teaching profession cares about kids. I assume a pastor is a man of faith and action. I still keep getting hurt because I still keep assuming things instead of weighing out each situation individually and waiting and watching while people prove themselves and their intentions.
We struggle with this with my son, who is fifteen. His biological father has the same violent issues your ex-husband does. He did not grow up with him, or in a household where violence was expressed, yet he has anger-control issues and struggles with defiance and concentration. Admittedly, he is much better off than his half-siblings (he does not know them) are, as I discovered when I called my ex to discuss the issues and see if perhaps they had manifested in his other six children? They have, in spades. I was grateful at that point the issues were as “minor” as the ones you described and the ones I deal with concerning my son.
Although he has had my husband as a role model (not always the best, but a sterling example in the past two and a half years) it does not always seem to matter. We struggle daily to stay consistent, supportive yet firm, and enforce the rules he needs to become a good person and functional adult. Teaching boys how to be strong, good men is difficult even with two parents involved, so I applaud your hard work and efforts with your son. He needs you, even though he doesn’t realize it.
Setting boundaries is a good first step, as is staying consistent. I am sending you wishes and prayers for all the support you will need to stay firm and get through this. It is worth it, and you are an inspiration to me to not give up, no matter how hard it gets.
I send hugs to you because I know how horrible you must have felt upon reading the false texts he was sending to implicate you as a bad parent. Stay strong.
Oh, thank you so much! Yes, I was devastated when I read those texts. Absolutely devastated. And, a strange fear overcame me as I realized that my own son is treating me exactly how his father did; that probably explains a lot of the anxiety and depression I’ve been experiencing lately! I also felt violated and defeated because this teacher waltzed into my home, pretending to be a friend to me and all of the kids, and yet she was slowly assisting in the unraveling of everything we’ve worked so hard for over the last year and a half. It scared me for my son. Was he manipulating this teacher in order to fulfill his ODD/angry agenda? Or, was she manipulating my wounded son in order to fulfill her prideful, self-glorifying agenda? I HATE continually waking up and realizing that I’m living in a Truman world—a world of illusion created by those around me. It’s my own fault though. I keep praying to see the truth and for God to reveal everyone’s true character. When He does I’m overwhelmed, shocked, and hurt.
It’s scary, isn’t it, that our children seem to carry DNA that predisposes them to things that are so dark and ugly? It seems that generational curses are still existent in our lives today. I look at my boys, and I see beautiful big brown eyes reflecting the innocence of infancy. I’m horrified to realize that I am raising miniature versions of their dad. And, it seems all I can do is pray, pray, and pray some more. I not only worry about my boys, but I worry about those who may become their victims someday.
I hope you are encouraged to know that your son also carries your caring and resilient DNA and those parts of him can blossom and overtake those parts that resemble his biological father. I’m praying for you and your son also, and I deeply appreciate your prayers for me and mine. Today I feel a strange peace and strength and even joy; I know that is just simply the prayers that are going up on my behalf. Thank you! Hugs!
Ugh. I had a feeling there were issues like this popping up, but I had no idea he had been saying things to the teacher too. K told me some of the things he had said to her, because she was concerned for him if the things were true. I reminded her that you weren’t the only one who had been hurt by the years of abuse and that his stories were, to put it bluntly, probably highly exaggerated for the sake of attention. I knew the abuse accusations weren’t true and hopefully I got her to see that too. I hope that if there are texts between them about it, that she gave him positive encouragement instead of feeding the flames.
I’m really sorry this happened. Have you talked to the teacher yet?
Thank you!
No, the teacher told him how wrong I was and really encouraged him in how rotten I am, and she asked a ton of leading questions. She really enabled and encouraged the behavior badly. She set back a year of counseling! I’ve texted with her, and it appears that she is still bent on him needing protection from me.
She has done seemingly minor things that are really detrimental to the boys as far as school goes. Like, R is always late with his work and turns it in with stuff missing, and she’ll accept it and stay up late to make sure that he’s covered. E was 0.5% away from getting a B in math, and she wanted to just give him the half a point. I told her I would give him another test, but he still didn’t make it. She was disappointed because she could tell he really wanted it, and she wanted him to have it so badly. I told her, “Good, maybe it will whet his appetite for good grades, and he’ll try harder next quarter.” Of course, my attitude in all of that just proves her right about what a monster I am! A loving mother would give her poor, sweet, sad child a better grade if she could cheat for him! I’m so hard on these children! (said with an eye roll)
It could very well be for attention. They are so used to drama that it probably feels like normal to them. My oldest daughter thinks it is just a lack of accountability and responsibility and that he’s angry at me and Dad. Unfortunately, he can’t express any of it toward Dad, so I get it all. That was the take his counselor had, too. In fact, that was what he said in the report he submitted for our divorce trial. Something to the effect that “Dad’s violence robbed R of his voice. Mom provides a safe environment where R is able to find his voice, which comes out as the anger that was repressed for so long.” Lucky me!
Well, I hope she will see the light. Love you my friend. You have my number… don’t be afraid to use it.
I hope so, too. We texted for a long time tonight. I have to be careful how I say things to her and what I say because I know she is judging me harshly and looking for a wrong word. But, at the same time, I feel like I have to try to clear my name and help her understand DV. I shared more with her tonight about the kids’ counseling in hopes that she will understand that things aren’t always (usually) what you see on the surface and that my kids are really, deeply damaged. I’m hoping that she will learn to step back from trying to be the students’ buddy and making the parents the bad guys. Not all of us are.
Thank you! I will. Once we’re both in a little better shape I think I need a coffee date with you. Just some nice down time to chat and relax.
I hope K isn’t too disappointed in R. She has been such a good friend to him. He is really a broken young man.
I love you, too!
She’s disappointed in the situation, but she cares very much for him and just wants to see him heal from all of this. I’m sure she will be there for him whenever he gets his texting/FB privileges back
I look forward to a coffee date once we’re both physically and emotionally able to do so!
Oh, good. She is such an outstanding young woman! I doubt he’ll be getting his privileges back anytime soon, but when he does she will most likely be the only one he is allowed to communicate with at first. I read some of the texts from a couple of his other friends and they were just negative, parent bashing sessions.
We may have to settle for tea and ibuprofen on your sidewalk the way things have been going for both of us! : )
ANFL once again you get top marks for your willingness to face that hard (true) facts head on.
I would strongly suggest you read Character Disturbance by George Simon Jnr. It describes the thing you are seeing in your son to a T. Character disturbance/ (or disorder) is not the same thing as what classic psychiatry calls a personality disorder, though there might be some overlap. (I’m no expert.) But as G Simon describes it, it’s more defect in character than personality. Character is the part of us which is responsive to conscience and which chooses right actions that are going to enhance the wellbeing of others as well as ourselves. In other words, character is very similar to virtue and goodness in Christian lingo.
Reading Simon’s book will give you are VERY clear understanding of it. Maybe even your son might read some portions of the book too!
Thank you, Barb! I will get it immediately!
Oh boy, that’s tough. It hurts me to think of you seeing your son and worrying that he’s becoming his dad. But you’re doing all the right things. He can still learn. And hey, part of it is also just being a teenager. But how totally unprofessional of that teacher to be facebooking with him! If a teacher was doing that with my child, without consulting me, I’d report him/her.
Thank you! Yeah, that’s a tough one for me; I’ve been friends with her older sister for 32 years. The ties are deep. I would be severing a lot of ties if I did report her, though I think you’re right….it is the right thing to do. I’ve considered just writing a letter to the charter school. She won’t lose her job, but it will go in her file. Perhaps it would be a gracious way of letting her know that was really uncool and she should seriously think twice before she ever does that again. She is one of those that seems to thrive on befriending everyone else’s children. Very unethical. My son sent a FB friend request to his 4-H instructor, and he refused it. The instructor then sent me a FB message (he and I are FB friends) stating that it is his policy to never become FB friends with the students, only their parents. Very respectable.
This teacher is also my 13 year old’s ES, so she will continue to visit our home weekly even after I put my 16 year old in public school. I’ve been stressing over that, over how to get her out of our home and still be able to utilize all the charter school has to offer. Well, he was dropped into my lap at the Y tonight! A man who lives just five miles away from me is a new teacher at the charter school, and he and I share the same educational philosophies! He’ll be glad to take on another student and reinforce the concepts of accountability and personal responsibility! Hallelujah! I’ll put in the request for the change when I enroll my older son in school.
There you go.
Changed my mind! Calling to request the change this morning! That foot dragging is what got me in DV hot water. I’ll leave my husband once the bills are paid off, once I wean the baby, once I get a part-time job, once my health is better, after he finishes counseling because maybe things will get better. My tendency to hesitate and hope for something better in the face of bad things always just gives those bad things more time to manifest greater in my life. Why? Time to switch!
You go girl!! Awesome!! Taking the bull by the horns, you are brave!!
Thanks SS! I had to leave a message because I had to go to work before the school opened, but I requested that man from the Y for both boys for this new semester. I asked for the paperwork to be started today. R’s counselor called this evening and left a message saying that it sounds like the ODD has manifested again, so he doesn’t think family counseling is needed. He’s just going to start individual counseling with R again if that’s what I’d like to do. Yes Siree, it is! Tomorrow morning, when I’m fresh, I’ll be emailing the teacher to explain DV effects on kids and the damage that is done by untrained individuals interfering with a treatment plan. It may fall on deaf ears, but I need to try. I’m riding the bull! : D
Good on you, ANFL. You may have felt like you got bucked off the horse there, but you’ve got right back on and are riding it! Well done. Proactive. Thoughtful. Resourceful. Creative problem solving. Prayerful. Bold but wise. That’s you, sis!
Oh Barb, you bless me and you make me smile! Youza, I did get bucked off! It knocked the wind out of me! But, y’all picked me up and helped me back on. : )
ANFL, no! You got your self back on, we just stood in the stands cheering.
Well, you guys are the best cheerleaders in the world, and I’m thankful for the cheers! Let’s just say that I couldn’t have climbed back on without your support. : ) I just want you all to know how greatly you are impacting my life.