So, I wrote the teacher a short book this morning. I’m not sure how it will be received, but I don’t feel that matters. I don’t want to feel like I have to justify myself before her, but I feel that I need to stand up for myself. I don’t want her to know the dirty details of my sons’ experiences–they truly are none of her business–but I want her to know enough that she may not make this mistake again.
I’ll spare you all the super lengthy message and just share the highlights. I know, I know….you have a hard time believing that I could write on and on at length!
I just wanted to let you know that I called [the school] and left a message before work yesterday, requesting a change in ES for both boys. I really love you, S, and am concerned that will hurt you. But, I have requested a male teacher for the boys.
R’s counselor and I have messaged rather lengthy messages back and forth and I’ve shared everything with several of my DV advocates, so I’m feeling much calmer and have greater clarity now. I had been absolutely panicked that I was losing R. The counselor referred to it as “resurfacing” and the advocates called it a “setback.” They said this is “classic.” Though it feels like the end of the world to me, it is to be expected. At first, all I could think was, “A year of hard work in counseling gone!” It’s not. I’ve been assured that it will not take as long or as much to bring him out of it this time.
I blame myself. With all of the extra court and visitation nightmares this fall and winter I took on too much extra work, and I wore myself out. I didn’t stay on top of things the way I should have and subjugated responsibilities that I should not have.
I know you have a big heart and a tremendous amount of love for all kids. But, a terrible amount of damage was facilitated by a lack of understanding of R’s history and of DV. Acknowledging the difficulties in my children’s lives and the fact that they are at risk is not a judgment. It is not a statement that I don’t see the good in my own children–the good that you are seeing. It is a responsible recognition of our reality.
[I texted her a couple of weeks ago that I was worried about R, and she texted back, "Mercy before judgment." Hence, all of my references to judgment.]
I believe in my children, but I also cannot underestimate the damage that was done. I can’t naively insist that they can forget what they’ve been through and forge ahead. I cannot ignore statistics that tell me what kind of danger they are in.
I would like to share with you some of the things I’ve learned over the last two years from counselors, advocates, authors, educators, and pastors involved in domestic violence and our lives.
[This is where I really got long winded!!! How do you compress those complexities into short form? I also shared, without details, about an experience my son suffered at the age of two. He doesn't remember it, and his counselor and I both agree that we don't need to remind him or inform him. He has enough to process. However, the problems are still there because the memory and experience do exist in his subconscious. This teacher encouraged a detrimental relationship with a girl whose own parents are in the middle of a bitter divorce and custody battle. I even believe she orchestrated time for them together. The teacher had asked about a convenient time for testing to be done. I told her I absolutely could not do it in the middle of the afternoon because of work. She arranged for it in the middle of the afternoon with no explanation. She also arranged for this girl to take her test at the same time. Since both kids had to be dropped off way early due to parental time constraints, the teacher conveniently took them to a coffee shop and hung out until test time.]
My sons are at risk for developing this behavior. There are many, many things, occurrences, that indicate R and E are at high risk. I have not shared those things with you because I didn’t feel it was necessary information for you to have in order to be their ES. They have been in counseling, and those things have been dealt with appropriately there by well trained mental health professionals. I think sharing too much of that stuff with you or anyone else not involved in their therapy is akin to creating a smear campaign against my own children. I’d like for them to completely heal and to be able to hold their heads up high without everyone in town knowing all the dirty details. Surface is all I’ve felt was necessary to be told for a basic understanding.
Without all of the background though you couldn’t possibly make appropriate judgment calls on R’s behavior or choices. Yet, in my own weakness and fatigue I subjugated some things to you that I needed to be bucking up and watching over. There is something else in R’s background that happened when he was two. He doesn’t even remember it. I put the children in counseling then, too, and I took R in for a physical exam. Every single professional involved at that time gave me the same warnings and instructions. They stated that there would be certain trigger times that I would need to watch for. Such as, when he went through puberty, when he got his first girlfriend or developed feelings for a girl or at least when all of his friends started playing the boyfriend/girlfriend game. R’s relationship with M has not been healthy. However, you stated that they bring out the best in each other, so I sat on my laurels and didn’t pay any attention to anything going on. That is NOT your fault. That is MINE. All of the warning signs were there. The lack of interest in activities that he previously enjoyed. The ditching of old friends for these new friends of M’s. I read the texts between the two of them. They were nothing but very negative parent bashing sessions. That does not facilitate healthy family relationships or fixing of any existent issues. It only fuels any underlying anger or depression. R has been diagnosed by an extremely well educated, well positioned mental health professional with over three decades of experience with Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Dysthymia (I say that just so you know that those are not labels I’m using to judge him but are honest to goodness diagnoses). That was a dangerous relationship for him, and I should have been protecting my son. (By the way, R does NOT know about the experience. He was so little he does not remember it. Either that, or he blocked it. Either way, his counselor and I discussed it and both of us felt strongly that R did not need to be informed of it. He has enough to process. However, those memories are still there subconsciously, and he still responds to them.)
Blah, blah, blah……..I go on about perimeters, lying, gaslighting, boundaries.…..
So, all that being said, I’m not changing ES’s because I am upset with you. I recognize my own weaknesses and feel that a stronger, positive male role model coming into the home weekly is vital. The boys have been missing 4-H because R didn’t want to go anymore. We’ll be going tonight though. For the same reason, the reason why I enrolled them in the first place, the positive male role models. We begin seeing R’s counselor again on the 13th, and he, too, was an amazing role model for R (and E, too).
[I said other stuff here about old home school friends and re-establishing and encouraging those relationships.]
(However, I’m not just subjugating my responsibilities to these men, merely looking for them to play a supportive role) I’ll also be taking the younger three back to their DV support group next week. We haven’t been since before Christmas because it’s too easy at the end of a work day to come home and veg. I’ll be making the effort again.
I’m trying to see this all positively. It was a wake up call to me that we are no where near out of the woods, that we may never be. It took 16 years for R to damage us, it certainly is going to take longer than a year for us to recover.
I need to get back to proactively parenting.
The only thing that I would like to suggest to you is that in reading your texts they really went against recommended guidelines as far as your personal comments and opinions and your questions. Since you obviously had already judged me and did not trust me, I would suggest that the appropriate thing to have done is refer R back to his counselor since he does have an established, long term relationship with a mental health professional who knows all of his background and would have been able to help him were he truly in any danger.
I hope you understand. I do love you, S. I just love my kids more and feel this change is crucial to their recovery.
It will be interesting to see how she responds, if she responds, or if I just get a call from the new ES to schedule a visit. Either way, I’ve taken personal responsibility for my own failures and I’ve held her accountable for hers. She’s the only one who can accept her own personal responsibility.
Frankly, I find it somewhat inappropriate for an ES to be texting with a student anyway. If this were public school, would the school be agreeable to a male teacher texting a 16 yr old female student? Of course not, and for obvious reasons. This seems like a serious lack of good judgment on her part and crossing a line between professional/teacher and “friend”, in much the same way that some parents buy booze for their kids so they’ll think they’re cool and not go behind their backs.
Kudos to you for writing such a blunt letter.
Um, yeah, my thoughts exactly! She just messaged me and told me that she is so stressed because she is still struggling with what she knows she should do and what she wants to do. She did apologize if anything she said or did exacerbated the problem. However, she let me know that she may still report me! Oh, but she loves us and is praying for us. As I look back over the school year I can see so many times that things were out of line. I should have nipped it in the bud. I have a tendency, obviously, to let things go until there is a problem. I really need to start acting when the warning signs first show up!
I asked R how he got her cell phone number, and he said she gave it to him in case he had any questions about school work. She also sent school stuff to his personal email instead of mine.
R sent a friend request to his 4-H leader, but he refused it. He will only friend the parents of his students, not the students. It is a matter of ethics. Hmmmm……she must have missed that class.
Thank you for the support! Please pray her report doesn’t get filed. That is the last kind of ammo we need to hand big R! (But, she loves us.)
Well, as much as I have heard good things about S, I would be asking the people at the school if this is a violation of policy. You have proof she has been communicating with your CHILD about personal matters, relationships, etc. She crossed a line and the more I think about it, the more I realize how livid I would be.
If she reports this I can’t imagine the nightmare that will follow. This is where it becomes obvious that kids don’t realize the consequences of their actions.
Praying for you all. Hugs.
I have no clue what all he said, but nothing could be true so I would hope that they would just come in, interview, and close the case, especially in light of his ODD. That is what I would expect since the allegations are untrue. However, the nightmare would be if R got a hold of it. Remember the horrible woman from FF that sided with R and said the issues with his relationship with the kids were only because of young R’s bad attitude? Not because he abused the crap out of them and me in front of them! Little R graduated counseling in August with a great report. If it was found out that he was acting out again, defiant, lying, then they would say, “Well, he lied about his mom, why can’t we believe that he’s lying about his dad?” That’s where the nightmare would be begin. I’m trying really hard to trust in the Lord and not borrow trouble from tomorrow. But, that scares me to death!
And, thank you for the prayers! We need them!
I think this was probably a good letter to her. My only concern is that you may have given her too much information and if she is feeling snaky she could use that to malign your name and defend herself. Be aware that that may happen, and be ready to bat it off with very blunt statements like “That is her/your opinion, but she/you don’t know all the facts so I suggest you refrain from making judgements and assumptions.” (with a slight increase in volume when you get to the ‘I suggest’ part of that sentence, and a direct, stern look in your eye!)
In other words, you can tell people to ‘butt out’ if they start poking at you.
I think it was good to tell her where you thought her conduct was unprofessional. I’m just a little concerned that you gave her a bit too much info about things she has no business knowing. As a teacher, she overstepped her boundaries. That is what is important, and that’s what she needed to be told.
But don’t fret about what I’ve said. What you did was basically good, and you are resourceful and resilient enough to catch any stray balls that might come from this. Or to let the ball-hoppers muck round with all the things they ‘think’ they know, while you get on with the reality of your life and your parenting – regardless of how other people chose to occupy themselves.
I probably should have run the letter past someone first. I just felt that time was of the essence, and I’d better try to deal with it all quickly before she called it in. This is such a tough one for me because she is someone I considered a friend. Our daughters are playmates. I’ve known her family for 30-some years. So, it was hard to just sound professional with her. I was trying to reach her at that professional level but also wanting to reach her at a personal level, as to say, “Remember me? Remember who you are dealing with? I’m not a stranger. My kids aren’t strangers. You know better!”
That may have been why she felt it was okay to cross those boundaries. The lines were already so blurred.
My thinking was that I was giving her enough information to explain the reason behind the behavior, so I didn’t just sound like I was denying my son’s allegations. I wanted her to know that we’ve been through this before. He is bright and very sweet, but he is troubled and she just couldn’t see that part.
I sure hope I didn’t hand her a loaded weapon! Eeks!
Father God, You are good and true and know the entire situation. I pray that this teacher has not been handed a loaded weapon but is rather forced to look at herself clearly, repent and draw near to You. I pray for protection over ANFL and her children. Place a henge of protection around them. And rest, time to recover would be wonderful too. Amen.
AMEN! And, again I say amen! Thank you so much for that perfect and wonderful prayer! Hugs!
Good for you! You’re a great mother. What a task, to help your children heal as well as yourself. They internalize so much. It’s hard to change a negative inner voice, but it sounds like you are doing everything you can and accessing all the professionals available to you. Don’t beat yourself up too much about having overlooked this one thing. Of course you get tired, and of course you need a mental nap every now and then. And who on earth expects a teacher to be facebooking with your child and setting him up with a girl! You couldn’t see that coming.
Awww, thank you so much for saying that! :’ )
And, they are all so different. It has effected each one differently. There isn’t a recipe that can be used for all four of them. I spoke with the new teacher this morning. He’ll be coming on Wednesday, and the counselor’s office was sending the paperwork up to his office Friday afternoon. I’ll be sitting down tomorrow and writing down my educational goals and expectations for the school. It will be best if everyone is clear where the other is coming from at the outset. I don’t expect issues with the new teacher, but better safe than sorry. It’s so hard though! I don’t want anyone to think I’m being controlling by outlining my expectations or demanding certain lines of respect not be crossed. Mentally I know I’m not. Emotionally I’m struggling and fearful. I appreciate your encouragement!
No! You are NOT too demanding! You know your children best, you know what they’ve been through, and you owe nobody any explanations or apologies for doing what’s best for them. Anyone with any sense admires the heck out of you, and anyone who doesn’t doesn’t count.
What’s funny is that is exactly what the teacher in question always said, “You’re here all of the time. You know them better than I do.” Yet, she didn’t really feel that way! I took the little two for a walk this afternoon and kept thinking, “What the hell is wrong with me? Do I just have a magnet for these types? Or, is it that they’re always going to cross our paths, but they just take advantage of my weakness once they spot it?” Thank you, thank you, thank you for your encouragement!
I am proud of you for taking this step and I too will be praying that she doesn’t use it to hurt anyone. You took responsibility for your failings but you didn’t take blame for things that weren’t your fault or were out of your control. I just want you to be careful not to make yourself feel worthless for your failings. You are the best mom you can be, you are a single mom doing a job that should talk two people, you are doing wonderfully. I love you and am looking forward to reading the story of your son’s recovery and restoration
take, should take two people, stupid audio correct!
Thank you for the encouragement and, most importantly, the prayers. I really need them right now. I didn’t feel like I was blaming myself, more just frustrated with the seemingly never ending barrage of crap and feeling horribly deceived. But, with Joe dying I am feeling like I’m really blowing this. I should have put him up. We had been locking them up every night. I get so tired and overwhelmed it’s just easier to leave them on the porch. Just like I should have intervened when I saw the teacher overstepping bounds, but I get so tired and overwhelmed, and I thought she was someone I could trust, so it was just easier to let it slip by. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I’m so lame and weak I can’t carry it, so my kids and animals are getting hurt. I love you, too.
The weight of the world is on your shoulders and it is very difficult, but it will get better and you are a wonderful mom. I am and will always be praying for you. Give it to God he will carry it for you, easier said then done I know
but He will. And this too shall pass <3
I’m really beginning to worry about how long it’s going to be before it all passes. Forty years? It has been two solid years, and that’s not including the sixteen years of horrific abuse before that. That sixteen was tolerable because we had fun and good moments with my dad, the home school group, and the animals. Praying that it starts passing sooner rather than later. Sigh.
I get that!! I feel like I am in a state of suspended animation. I can’t move forward but there is no going back. So I sit and wait!
I love your way with words! Yes, suspended animation. I can’t move forward, but there is no going back. I don’t know how much longer I can sit and wait. I just don’t. I don’t know what to do. It feels like I’m supposed to be doing something, but everything I try turns up crap. And, then I have more betrayal or loss added to the mix. It’s like I’m just caught in this horrible loop, and there is no escape.
Yes, there are always “should haves..”. Let them go precious friend! You will get out of this place of seemingly no movement. Like when kids are learning to sleep through the night. It feels like forever and there is no forward progression, but there is. And please, I know you have heard these words before. It feels awful to hear them again. I do understand the difficult place you are in. Praying!!
Thank you so much for the words of encouragement and the prayers. Now with the loss of my dog it feels like I’m caught in a perpetual spin cycle of loss and pain. Really am eager for some daylight to break through. Thank you, Sweet Sister