Tags
adult children, character, child rearing, Christian love in action, divorce, false Christianity, family relationships, forgiveness
When you grow up in an abusive home you don’t know your family dynamics and paradigm aren’t normal or right. You just follow your parents and accept their imprint without question. Like the baby dinosaurs in Ice Age who emerge from their shells and walk like Sid, we mimic what we see. It’s all we know to do. We’re hard wired that way, and it exemplifies the necessity of mindful parenting. Unfortunately, our guardians and parents are most often merely following their own parents’ misguided or cultural imprints. The cycles generationally repeat.
This weekend, deeply entrenched in the divorce process, my husband and I met to discuss a possible agreement. I had called him requesting an amicable resolution because it was just discovered my daughter in law has a large brain tumor. I can’t–emotionally, physically, or financially–battle him and simultaneously support my son and his wife and deal with my own grief and fear over what our family’s new normal may look like in light of this discovery. I need resolution where I can find it, and I was willing to beg my husband for mercy.
The marriage has been painful for me. I’ve felt used financially and abandoned emotionally and sexually. It all finally abruptly crashed down when he assaulted my teenage son. I was furious and every maternal cell in my body hated him. I was finally done. He was, in no uncertain terms, to leave the home, and I almost immediately filed for divorce.
I expected arguments and unrealistic demands from him when we met. I prepared myself mentally for it and resigned myself to accept that this marriage wasn’t fair to me and neither will the divorce be fair to me. But, he arrived with lunch and waters, greeted me with a hug, and seemed ready to discuss asset division and a friendly demise to our marriage. He almost oozed compassion. At some point while looking over the property appraisal he broached the subject of reconciliation….That was the last thing I expected from him.
The afternoon dragged on into the evening and the conversation twisted and turned as we dissected nearly every issue that had torn us apart. We met again the next day and spent the afternoon making a list of what this really means to each of us, what we expect, what we need. And, the conversation maintained an air of confession rather than accusation. When we broached the subject of that fatal night, I heard my husband say he thought “as the man he needed to….” He listened intently as I shared what being a man means to me. And, he mentioned the example set by his strong, stoic grandfather.
I’ve not experienced acceptance or even Christian love from my husband’s family. My children and I have recieved hot rejection and ridicule. In my eyes, their enabling of my husband’s bad behaviors was crippling him as a man, a husband, and a father. Their refusal to accept me drove a wedge of division in my marriage. It was keeping him emotionally dependent on them, which allowed them to maintain control over him. That dynamic was all too familiar to me, as my own mother had kept me trapped in addictions and destroyed my relationships under the guise of loving me, all the while keeping herself at the helm of my adult life.
Some people will say I’m crazy for even considering this, for speaking to him. But, he’s not moving back in tomorrow, not even next month. It’s a pause, a discussion. We’re merely giving God space to work on us both.
He hasn’t pointedly stated it, but what I’m hearing my husband express behind his words is that his example of manly strength represented distant stoicism and firm control over the family. I’ve certainly seen that modeled all along. My husband has many wonderful qualities, and throughout the course of my short marriage I’ve often wondered if his addictions were masking the hidden struggle to be the kinder, gentler man I fell in love with. That man seems contrary to his family’s paradigm of harsh, cold, distant, controlling “manliness.” Yet, that belief system was still imprinted on him. If I’m right, the internal struggle must be excruciating for him.
In my last marriage I sacrificed my children, my career, my health, my everything for the hope of a change that never came. In my job I pour my life into women who may return to their abusers or seek another one, who may never get a job and stay off public assistance, who may not stop the cycle of parental neglect in their generation……but we often say we’re planting seeds. We dedicate our lives to the hope of change. Whether anyone understands this decision or not, I’m willing to commit six months to the hope of change. I’m willing to sacrifice my self determination for the hope of freedom for my husband. Freedom from addictions. Freedom from feeling the need to answer to his parents. Freedom to be his best self, his true self before the Lord. Freedom to experience love and marriage the way God intended it to be. I have nothing more to lose and everything to gain.
9 Let love be without dissimulation. Abhor that which is evil; cleave to that which is good.
10 Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another;
11 Not slothful in business; fervent in spirit; serving the Lord;
12 Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer;
13 Distributing to the necessity of saints; given to hospitality.
14 Bless them which persecute you: bless, and curse not.
15 Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.
16 Be of the same mind one toward another. Mind not high things, but condescend to men of low estate. Be not wise in your own conceits.
17 Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men.
18 If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.
19 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.
20 Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head.
21 Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.
When you grow up in an abusive home you don’t know your family dynamics and paradigm aren’t normal or right. You just follow your parents and accept their imprint without question. Like the baby dinosaurs in Ice Age who emerge from their shells and walk like Sid, we mimic what we see. It’s all we know to do. We’re hard wired that way, and it exemplifies the necessity of mindful parenting. Unfortunately, our guardians and parents are most often merely following their own parents’ misguided or cultural imprints. The cycles generationally repeat.
This weekend, deeply entrenched in the divorce process, my husband and I met to discuss a possible agreement. I had called him requesting an amicable resolution because it was just discovered my daughter in law has a large brain tumor. I can’t–emotionally, physically, or financially–battle him and simultaneously support my son and his wife and deal with my own grief and fear over what our family’s new normal may look like in light of this discovery. I need resolution where I can find it, and I was willing to beg my husband for mercy.
The marriage has been painful for me. I’ve felt used financially and abandoned emotionally and sexually. It all finally abruptly crashed down when he assaulted my teenage son. I was furious and every maternal cell in my body hated him. I was finally done. He was, in no uncertain terms, to leave the home, and I almost immediately filed for divorce.
I expected arguments and unrealistic demands from him when we met. I prepared myself mentally for it and resigned myself to accept that this marriage wasn’t fair to me and neither will the divorce be fair to me. But, he arrived with lunch and waters, greeted me with a hug, and seemed ready to discuss asset division and a friendly demise to our marriage. He almost oozed compassion. At some point while looking over the property appraisal he broached the subject of reconciliation….That was the last thing I expected from him.
The afternoon dragged on into the evening and the conversation twisted and turned as we dissected nearly every issue that had torn us apart. We met again the next day and spent the afternoon making a list of what this really means to each of us, what we expect, what we need. And, the conversation maintained an air of confession rather than accusation. When we broached the subject of that fatal night, I heard my husband say he thought “as the man he needed to….” He listened intently as I shared what being a man means to me. And, he mentioned the example set by his strong, stoic grandfather.
I’ve not experienced acceptance or even Christian love from my husband’s family. My children and I have recieved hot rejection and ridicule. In my eyes, their enabling of my husband’s bad behaviors was crippling him as a man, a husband, and a father. Their refusal to accept me drove a wedge of division in my marriage. It was keeping him emotionally dependent on them, which allowed them to maintain control over him. That dynamic was all too familiar to me, as my own mother had kept me trapped in addictions and destroyed my relationships under the guise of loving me, all the while keeping herself at the helm of my adult life.
Some people will say I’m crazy for even considering this, for speaking to him. But, he’s not moving back in tomorrow, not even next month. It’s a pause, a discussion. We’re merely giving God space to work on us both.
He hasn’t pointedly stated it, but what I’m hearing my husband express behind his words is that his example of manly strength represented distant stoicism and firm control over the family. I’ve certainly seen that modeled all along. My husband has many wonderful qualities, and throughout the course of my short marriage I’ve often wondered if his addictions were masking the hidden struggle to be the kinder, gentler man I fell in love with. That man seems contrary to his family’s paradigm of harsh, cold, distant, controlling “manliness.” Yet, that belief system was still imprinted on him. If I’m right, the internal struggle must be excruciating for him.
In my last marriage I sacrificed my children, my career, my health, my everything for the hope of a change that never came. In my job I pour my life into women who may return to their abusers or seek another one, who may never get a job and stay off public assistance, who may not stop the cycle of parental neglect in their generation……but we often say we’re planting seeds. We dedicate our lives to the hope of change. Whether anyone understands this decision or not, I’m willing to commit six months to the hope of change. I’m willing to sacrifice my self determination for the hope of freedom for my husband. Freedom from addictions. Freedom from feeling the need to answer to his parents. Freedom to be his best self, his true self before the Lord. Freedom to experience love and marriage the way God intended it to be. I have nothing more to lose and everything to gain. Maybe I’ll discover my best self in the process. Perhaps I’ll get to experience love and marriage the way God intended it to be. Maybe I’ll finally experience the beautiful freedom of knowing and being fully known.
Romans 8:15-22 King James Version
15 For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father.
16 The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God:
17 And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.
18 For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.
19 For the earnest expectation of the creature waiteth for the manifestation of the sons of God.
20 For the creature was made subject to vanity, not willingly, but by reason of him who hath subjected the same in hope,
21 Because the creature itself also shall be delivered from the bondage of corruption into the glorious liberty of the children of God.
22 For we know that the whole creation groaneth and travaileth in pain together until now.
Romans 12:9-21King James Version
9 Let love be without dissimulation. Abhor that which is evil; cleave to that which is good.
10 Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another;
11 Not slothful in business; fervent in spirit; serving the Lord;
12 Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer;
13 Distributing to the necessity of saints; given to hospitality.
14 Bless them which persecute you: bless, and curse not.
15 Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.
16 Be of the same mind one toward another. Mind not high things, but condescend to men of low estate. Be not wise in your own conceits.
17 Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men.
18 If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.
19 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.
20 Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head.
21 Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.