I didn’t get around to writing last night. I was just too tired. My brain was numb, and I was on auto pilot. My bones throb and my muscles ache. It feels like my body is melting off of me onto the ground and if I don’t get some rest, solid rest, I’ll just end up a puddle.
It has been a long haul. My abuser used sleep deprivation as one of his tactics in addition to it just being exhausting trying to keep up with his demands and listen to his lectures. I was always on high alert, like a soldier, never sure from which direction the next ambush might come. It was impossible to meet his ever changing demands and try to protect the children from him 24/7, the only respite coming when he left the house. Even then though, there was a list of things he expected done that would take an average person three days to complete. The existence of an abused wife is exhausting.
He left 15 months ago–praise God–but he hasn’t left us alone. His family was originally going to come last night to empty my home of the items he was awarded in the divorce. He lied to them though. He and his attorney haven’t even signed the papers yet, so we’ve had to put that off. He’s coming to town today to visit the kids. They have had a hard time sleeping all week in anticipation of his visit. They’ve had nightmares; they’ve complained of stomach aches; and their emotions are swinging wildly. I haven’t slept well either and have been kept awake by their nightmares and my own. He still hangs heavy over our heads.
Sometimes I think people don’t understand why I’m not working more hours or why I’m struggling to get the car fixed, the wood in for winter, meals fixed on time, the house cleaned, and the kids taught. Every day has a new difficulty, and I didn’t even take care of all of the ones from the day before. I just can’t keep up, and I’m weary. I was exhausted from life with him when he left. The last year of court battles, single parenting wounded children, re-entering the workforce, and running a household alone has finished me off. I went from one battle into the next without an opportunity to recuperate. I’m old beyond my years and sometimes I feel like I’m drowning in my weariness.