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My three old daughter left a large, pink plastic watch on while she tried to get dressed this morning. It naturally caught on her sleeve, and she couldn’t pull it through. She fought me as I tried to gently pull the sleeve over the top of the watch. She struggled against something that just wasn’t going to give.

My adult daughter bought me Jillian Michael’s Yoga Meltdown DVD for my birthday two weeks ago. I’ve been ill for almost two years and had two babies after forty; I’m pretty out of shape. I tried to follow along with the video but couldn’t. It was impossible, and I quickly grew very frustrated with struggling to keep up.

One of my clients offered me the opportunity to take a Chi Gung class he teaches. It was a weekend type seminar format–a lot of information thrown at you in a short amount of time. I was humiliated on Friday evening. Most people there were at least twenty years older than I, yet they weren’t struggling as much as I was.  I had taken dance for years as a child and for years had remained flexible and able to pick up stuff like that quickly.  Now I struggle.

As my little girl struggled against my attempt to help her this morning, I told her, “Sometimes you have to just relax, pull back, and go at it from another direction.”  It was a light bulb moment!  As the words shot out of mouth it was as though I was speaking them to myself.  I thought of all of the years I struggled to keep my marriage together, all of the years I struggled to gain my family’s approval, all of the times I’ve struggled to fit in at church.

I practiced Chi Gung and completed the yoga video this morning, but I relaxed, I pulled back, and I went at them from another direction.  I went slower at Chi Gung.  I modified the yoga moves to fit where I’m at today.  As I go through my day today I think it might be wise to look for other ways I can relax, pull back, go slower, and seek another direction that is better suited to where I am at right now in this moment.  I can’t struggle to be accepted, to fit in, to be loved.  I can’t even struggle to heal more quickly than my body and my spirit are ready to heal.  I need to give it all time.  I need to give myself time.

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