For over a month my phone has been dying sporadically in the middle of calls and texts. Sometimes I pull it from my purse to find the black screen of death. When I turn it back on I find missed messages from days earlier. I’ve known it is past time to replace my old phone, but I don’t replace things quickly or easily. I justified my wait because my son’s phone is troublesome as well, and, as the administrator of our plan, I have to be present to sign when he purchases a new phone for himself. I reasoned that I would wait and get a new one when he came home. We’d get new phones at the same time.
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Christmas embarrassed me this year. I feel ashamed even.
A couple of different friends gave us money before the holidays, so I was able to get caught up on the bills and “do” Christmas for the kids. I was struggling to shop for and wrap gifts because my mind was solely focused on last Friday’s court date. But, I went through the motions and carefully planned how to make the most of what I’d been given. I felt guilty spending someone else’s hard earned money though just so my kids could open presents. I felt like I was frivolously spending.
The court date came and went in the midst of a snow storm and suddenly it felt like Christmas. On the Saturday following my hearing I decorated, put up lights, played Christmas music, and relaxed into the holiday spirit. Ironically, on Friday I received a preChristmas box from my best friend, which contained a Christmas tablecloth and other Christmasy household decor.
My second son’s ex brought my grandson over for a nice long visit, and I got to watch him open gifts. My oldest son flew in to Portland and spent a few days with friends in Seattle before driving down for Christmas Eve. My oldest daughter picked up my second son and his girlfriend and their baby and brought them all to spend Christmas Day with us. Those were the best gifts I could have received. It was glorious having all seven of my children in my house at one time. That literally never, ever happens. My husband would not have permitted it.
However, those weren’t the only glorious Christmas gifts I received. The local post office chose my little family and another single mom as their Christmas families this year. On Christmas Eve a woman came to my home with groceries, personal items, a complete Christmas dinner, cash, and gift cards. She arrived at my house shortly before I did, and she had already created a narrow path to the covered and now hidden dining room table. It was overwhelming, but I didn’t cry at all. There were no tears. I was just so relieved to see the expensive instant foods I never buy; the kind that will make busy mornings and long days easier to get the kids fed.
She sat with me as I opened each bag. I was embarrassed because I did cry when I found Love Spell shower gel among the many treasures. I had longed for something feminine and sexy, something to make me feel like a woman again instead of a tired “it.” I’ve only smelled Love Spell once, when my dad died and I found some in his bathroom, and I had wished I could have something so expensive and luxurious. There were razors and shave gel and expensive, quality make up items tucked in the bags. The kind of things I’ve never had and don’t need or deserve, just longed for.
Several friends sent bags of gifts for the kids and for me. Between what I’d bought with the money my friends had given me earlier and the gifts coming in, our special little tree got lost. It was buried beneath a wall of brightly wrapped presents. I was embarrassed and hoped no one stopped by to see this ridiculous abundance. We don’t deserve that kind of plenitude, and I was ashamed.
A local church had also given us cash and gift cards, so I immediately shopped for some warm pajamas for my youngest son and some clothes for my youngest daughter. She has refused to take the one sweater off. It is beautiful, and you can tell she feels pretty in it. However, I’m a little embarrassed by the way she carries herself in public, dressed in her new warm winter boots and a lovely outfit, carrying her new purse from her big brother and the matching umbrella. You’d never know by looking at her that her life is what it is.
On Christmas Day another friend emailed us a gift card in a large quantity for a nice dinner. The gifts kept coming!
And, so I ate my decadent foods with all seven of my children in a sea of lovely and thoughtful gifts. I washed my face and moisturized it with my new treats before bed and carefully hid my gift certificate to a local spa so that it wouldn’t get lost. I counted the money; I’ll use it to fix my car and wanted to make sure it had not sprouted legs and walked off while we ate and opened gifts. My children pulled on warm fleece pajamas and crawled into bed. It felt weird, but I couldn’t put a finger on my discomfort.
My oldest son lavished gifts on his siblings, but he had nothing for me to open. I felt that his gift to me was his presence. I know it cost a lot of money to fly from DC and rent a car during the holidays.
The day after Christmas we decided to run into town. The plan was that he would show his little sister how to use the real, big girl, rosy pink fishing pole he bought her and then we’d get phones. We went to a local park where he patiently tried to teach her how to cast, and she squealed with delight, hoping to catch one of the ducks that swam by. Then, we went to the local phone outlet.
My son knows the difficulties of my life. He understands them well. And, he tried hard to talk me into a very, very expensive phone that is far beyond my technological savvy. He explained that I could blog and pay bills online with it while I waited for the kids at their activities. That way, when we got home I could fix decent meals and get to bed on time. I could even finish my book on it during the kids’ swim lessons. This phone would allow me to follow my dreams and be more available to my young children at the same time. I would learn the new, current technology; it would bring me out of my 19th century lifestyle.
But, it is too fancy I argued. It is too sophisticated for me. It will be too hard for me to learn. It costs way too much money. I don’t trust myself–I might break it.
He bought it anyway and grinned big as he said, “Merry Christmas.”
I felt heady. I could feel myself shallow breathing, and I knew I looked unappreciative. I wasn’t. I was ashamed. I was once again embarrassed by the extravagance, by the abundance.
Awhile later he asked, “Are you okay? Do you feel excited yet?” I told him that I just don’t feel like I deserve something like that. It’s too much. I don’t trust myself; I might break it. As we walked in the chill of the evening he reminded me that I spent sixteen years being denied mascara because it cost too much while my husband spend hundreds, thousands, on exercise equipment. My husband continually threatened to cut off my cell phone because the monthly bill was too high at $30, yet all the time he was satisfying his vices of daily energy shots and drinks, tobacco, and beer to the tune of about $300 a month. My son reminded me that my sense of being undeserving stems solely from my husband’s attitude that I was and am undeserving.
A friend’s comment a few weeks ago immediately flashed through my mind. I had shared with her that I feel funny because since my husband left and our income is so low the kids and I have done more than we did when he lived with us. We have been to the Performing Arts Center and ballets and eaten at fancy restaurants and gone on special outings…..she responded, “Good! You deserve it.”
Up through last week in court, my husband was still declaring, “You don’t deserve anything!” But, I am surrounded by family and friends whose collective voices shout louder, “You are deserving.”
I may still be embarrassed, but I am getting excited now.
Morven R. Baker said:
How wonderful to read how you were blessed beyond your imagining this Christmas. Just to have your SEVEN children – oh my, what a wonderful gift to have SEVEN children – with you was enough. I understand that. I am sitting grinning here, after having read your post. So happy that you are doing well, that you are loved and that your needs are being provided for. You are SO worth it!
anewfreelife said:
Thank you so much! Yes, totally blessed beyond my imagination! Oh, not only my needs, but so many of my secret wants, are being provided for. It is a luxurious, joyful, and loved feeling. It is different and a little uncomfortable, but it is wonderful. And, I’m grinning, too. Thank you!
Sofia Leo said:
I am so happy for you and your family! You all deserve some happiness after the hell that you’ve been through. What a wonderful Christmas story.
anewfreelife said:
Thank you so much! It makes me so hopeful for a better 2013. I have a lot of growing to do…obviously…but I think I’m heading in the right direction. : )
Bethany said:
I know this feeling all to well. I needed new bras and my mom convinced me to spend $160 on 4 new ones that are wonderful and support my abundant bust 🙂 I never deserved anything nice, everything I wanted was to expensive, but he had all the new game systems and all the collector games. He had a budget of $200 a month “Spending money” which did not include the stuff he “needed” and I had $20 which included the children and necessities. Your son is right you do deserve all of those things and much, much more! As for the budgeting I have found too that we can do so much more with less money now that our abuser is gone! I actually get the bills paid, put money into savings, and have money each month for me and the children to do or get something fun.
anewfreelife said:
I am so GLAD that your mom talked you into buying those bras. They are a necessity, but our abusers convinced us our necessities weren’t important. That’s a hard mindset to break out of. We’ve learned to get by on so little we will be fine. They are truly doomed to failure unless they can secure new victims & sources of income because they are SO high maintenance.
Still scared( but getting angry) said:
Same here!! So much the same!! Getting out of the mindset that I can’t spend any money on myself! It is hard! Slowly learning. And ANFL, we also had major help this Christmas to pay bills and have Christmas. Don’t feel like I deserve it but the car does need to be repaired and my daughter does need her braces finished that we started two years ago. It’s hard to use it.
anewfreelife said:
Well, I am thrilled that you had the help that you need and DESERVE. : ) It is sooooo hard. It is such a strange territory to be in. I had forgotten until this morning that it actually goes back much further for me. When my dad was flying charters to Victoria BC, he took my mom, then my younger brother, then his mistress. I never got to go. I am 47 and have never been to Disneyland. When it finally came time for our trip to Disneyland, my dad took his girlfriend and her daughter instead; they brought me back a sweatshirt. I’ve always, even if subtly, received the message that good things are for others, not for me. Perhaps this is part of our growth in overcoming. Praise God for the growth and for the generous, kind souls who are our catalysts! : )
Barbara Backer-Gray said:
Oh, I’m do happy for you. If I could, I would have sent you a care package, but I know you want to stay anonymous. So I’m very glad you have such good friends that gave you so much. I know how hard it is to accept gifts graciously. I’m not good at it, either, so do as I say and not as I do and enjoy it! BTW, your home looks so cozy!
anewfreelife said:
Oh thank you! You are so sweet! I am enjoying it–I just feel guilty about it. Ha ha
I wish I’d had you over for tea. It felt like a little Christmas cabin. : )
Barbara Backer-Gray said:
That’s what it looks like. Tea would be lovely. Maybe some day…
Lee said:
Here’s my $0.02: You deserve every penny of it!
And don’t forget that you are giving the givers an opportunity to feel happy and blessed in the act of giving.
Annette and I wish you every blessing for 2013!
anewfreelife said:
Thank you so much! So hoping that 2013 will be an amazing year of promise for us all. : )
Jen said:
Everyone one around you believes that you deserve it. I think they see in you what is really there, a wonderful caring woman, I hope one day you look in the mirror and see the same thing. It’s an amazing feeling especially after years of being told you’re nothing. Those people around you wanted to make your Christmas special because you do deserve it. I bet you have brightened their lives in ways you can’t even imagine. Enjoy your new phone, new things, and most importantly finding out who you really are what you are really worth and bask in the love that surrounds you. P.S. Unless you daughter is shaking her hips around town be glad in your heart that she looks like a happy confident child that know (or has some idea) how pretty she is.
anewfreelife said:
What precious thoughts. You have made me smile. Edification & encouragement are your gifts. : ) People have told me they are blessed by helping; I guess I just need to accept that.
Crystal said:
God is good. This is amazing. I am glad you had such a wonderful Christmas. Enjoy everything!
anewfreelife said:
Indeed He is! Thank you so much!
javaj240 said:
I think that you have to be vigilant…in remembering that you are, indeed, worthy of spiritual and material wealth. It made me happy to read your story— and to see you happy.
anewfreelife said:
Thank you so very much! : )
fitforservice said:
Wow. I was overwhelmed to the point of happy tears to read this. You are perhaps one of the most deserving people I know of such a showering of love and blessings to make life easier in any way possible. I’m SO happy for your family, my friend.
I think it’s fabulous that D has such confidence with her new trinkets… relish it mom, it means that despite the darkness in her world, she feels beautiful… a feeling stolen from her gorgeous mother.
What kind of phone did you get? They really can be fun. Hopefully we can can get together soon for coffee. Much love to you and your kiddos! Hugs 🙂
fitforservice said:
Speaking of fancy phones… I typed that on mine, so excuse the grammatical errors 😉
anewfreelife said:
Thank you! : ) You are so sweet, and your friendship is absolutely precious to me! The kids and I were talking this week about how God placed you in my life and how His timing was perfect, even down to making me run late that morning of the book sale when I met you on the sidewalk!
It is neat, isn’t it, that D feels confident and pretty and deserving? She is secure in being loved by those around her. That is amazing and wonderful and really nothing to be embarrassed by. I need to get over that so that I don’t end up robbing her of her joy with my weird feelings.
LOL…..as a former medical transcriptionist I can still type pretty fast and accurately on the computer, but I am having a dickens of a time typing on my new phone! The keys are tiny and placed differently than on a keyboard. I am determined to learn though!
I would LOVE to get together for coffee! Let’s put it on the calendar! Much love back to you and yours!
PS We are all loving K’s hats. E wears his 24/7!
fitforservice said:
I feel your friendship is one of the few very bright spots in an otherwise abysmal year 🙂 I’m thankful you were late that morning so we could meet face to face. I instantly adored your whole family ❤
The phone keyboards can be maddening. If your phone is an android you can download a different one from the Play Store. I use SwiftKey keyboard and much prefer it to my standard one. I'm a very fast typist so that is usually what messes me up on my phone.
Glad to hear everyone liked the hats. K really loved making something personalized for each of you.
Lord knows I need a coffee date after this last week. Let's get on it!
Lou said:
This reminds me of my ex-neighbour today. She moved out a couple of years ago, but we have remained close frieds. She was never married, and is an independent woman of about 70, and she calls me her daughter. She recently had 2 of her three cats get run over and the third die of old age. and she lost 150$ cash that she needed (her pension). Today, it took me the WHOLE day to FORCE her to take $150 of mine (but in her wallet, NOT her pocket where it can fall out of again!) to replace what was missing. I told her I had it spare: I am earning enough. She is not. Over the years she has given me so much and she cleans my house ALL the time without me asking for it. (She has a key as I kept her cat after she moved and she likes to visit it.) I had to FORCE her to let me take her to lunch. And I am forcing her to let me buy her a new kitten. I explained to her that i am not doing it because I SHOULD, but because it gives me ENORMOUS pleasure to give to someone who deserves it. And she should not feel bad. So please, believe these people. They WANT to give to you and LOVE that you are enjoying these things. And everyone-absolutely everyone-deserves spoiling sometimes. I don’t know you at all, but if you even had to put up with half of what I read in a single post on here, then you deserve it most of all.
anewfreelife said:
THANK YOU SO MUCH! I needed to hear that perspective this morning with enough detail to make it sink in. I really appreciate you sharing that with me. I’m glad that you are there for her, and I’m sure she is, too.
Still scared( but getting angry) said:
Lou, I have been in the position to give and even now it’s hard to receive. But I am learning that this is walking in obedience too. I felt God tug on my heart to give a small check to a friend that was struggling. I could barely afford it but I could and I walked in obedience and gave. Three days after I mailed the check, a couple from church came and handed me the exact small amount I had sent saying God had prompted them to give to me! Not easy to receive but I am learning.
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Barbara Roberts said:
I understand the discomfort. I have felt like that. And still do, at times.
But I think the new phone is THE BEST! When you get the hang of it, you’ll delight in all the ways you can use it, and how it helps you save time and multi-task while waiting for your kids to do their scheduled activities.
Hey, while you’re learning yours, your son can coach you by long distance.
And I’m going to be in the same boat as you, almost. My daughter is giving me her old i-phone, now she’s got herself the latest model. Her old phone has a broken speaker, so you don’t always hear it beep or ring at you, but it does email and web stuff and I will be able to listen to Jeff Crippen’s sermons that I’ve downloaded, while I’m walking my dog! Pretty cool, huh?
So if you’re feeling like a techno-clutz, remember your techno-clutz sister in Oz who is probably feeling just as bamboozled as you are.
anewfreelife said:
I went in the phone store the day he left and told them that I would need them to hold my hand now that he’d returned to DC. The girl was so sweet and kindly said, “See ya tomorrow!” as I left. LOL
I am already loving it. It is so nice! It is amazing what all I can get done in such a short amount of time, all the while with a child on my lap and watching another one and answering another’s questions. We may technologically be dinosaurs, but we are bright women….we can do this! : D
mominalatif said:
You seriously do deserve it, each and every present, the presence of loved one and the love they share with you! You deserve it, it’s meant for you and yours. Be happy always, may the next year bring you more endless happiness and blessings!
anewfreelife said:
Thank you so very much for the kind words. We truly all do deserve to be loved and receive good things.
Amen! Here’s to a wonderful, hopeful, loving, peaceful, and prosperous 2013!
Rita Bellinger said:
Reblogged this on The Wordy Photographer.