, , , ,

This post will be a rant.

I just feel like I should warn you up front.

I’ve never wanted this blog to be about ranting and raving and flaunting my anger for the world to see, accusing my ex of being the boogie man, and just publicly proclaiming his evil deeds.

But, I’m angry right now.

He left me very ill with no provision and all of the bills. I have told you that. I found out later that he’d been saving money in a secret, private bank account for years.  He ran up a high phone bill in my name the two months after he left. I had to finally shut his phone off, though I was scared to death he would retaliate. I took the debt in the divorce settlement because I didn’t want him possessing that kind of control over my finances. I wasn’t willing to hand him that loaded gun to kill my credit and drag me through hell with the bank. You know that his wages were finally garnished for child support last summer. But, in that ten month period of time there have been two different episodes of missing payments for a month at a time. I’ve shared with you that he cheated on his taxes for 2011. He claimed himself as head of household, having the children. He got over $5000 back. He was ordered to pay me half of that return in spite of it being obtained fraudulently, but he’s never coughed up a dime of it. Part of the property he was awarded was purchased with those credit cards I’m still paying.

He called the kids tonight as is his weekly routine.  I babysat my grandson today, and his mom and I were sitting chatting.  She’d come to pick him up shortly before R called.  E took the phone in the other room, so his dad wouldn’t think that I purposefully had company or other distractions that caused the kids to not want to talk to him.  I was impressed when he shared those thoughts with me later; I thought that was pretty perceptive.  Meanwhile, I simply enjoyed the last hour with my adorable grandson and didn’t think much about the phone call taking place in the next room.

When the little two and I came in from saying goodbye, E put the phone on speaker so J and D could both talk at the same time.  D refused.  She stated repeatedly that she didn’t want to talk.  R said, “Awwww……you don’t?  Why not?  I thought you’d want to talk to me?  Don’t you miss me?  I miss you!”  She stood her ground though.  Every time he tried to manipulate or guilt her into talking, she got louder, “I don’t want to talk!”

J did his usual routine of begging his dad for a video game console.  I fear he’s learning to play both ends against the middle.  His dad has asked numerous times what J has been doing for fun, but J never tells him about dance class, swim lessons, Spanish lessons, park dates and play dates with home school friends, or our recent trip.  He just goes on and on and on about video games.  I see him trying to manipulate his dad into buying a game unit, and I’m a little concerned about the type of character those ploys lend to.

Following his manipulative disrespect for D’s boundaries, R began using blame in his conversation with J.  “I can’t buy one right now.  I will, just not right now.  I have a lot of bills to pay.  Most of those bills are to Mom.  I have to pay Mom a lot of money to pay for stuff over there, so I don’t have the money to buy things for over here.”

You have got to be kidding me!  That wasn’t even subtle.  And, it certainly couldn’t be further from the truth.  Why couldn’t he just say, “J, I’m a selfish man, and I don’t want to spend that much money on you kids, on something that I’m not interested in.  All of life is all about me.  You need to understand that.”  That would have been the truth!

Instead, he lied and blamed me for his lack.  He cannot buy the things the kids would like to have when they’re with him so that their visits can be enjoyable because of ME.  I even wondered……….is he trying to insinuate that I should buy a game console for his house since I’m getting all of his money?!

These are the same games he played with me throughout our entire married life.  The constant lies.  Everything was my fault.  Or, the kids’.  There was one season where he repeated that we “just have too many kids,” and that was why we were always broke.  It wasn’t.  The reason we were always broke was because he could spend money like there was no tomorrow and he had several addictions.  Finally, in frustration, I asked him which children he wished we didn’t have, which ones threw us over the money pit edge.  He responded with anger that I’d twisted his words and was nothing more than a “contentious woman.”  He blamed me, saying that if I were a “biblical wife” we wouldn’t have such problems.

Tonight’s phone call was more of the same garbage that we faced with D last week at the dentist’s office.  This sense of being in an altered reality where nothing is as it appears, or at least how they tell it is.

I’m angry.

And, I appreciate you “listening” to me rant and vent.

But, you see, the thing is…..I know exactly where this is coming from, so I will not let it ruin my day.  I know we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

Am I saying that my ex is acting on the directive of satan?  That his intentions and actions are evil?  You bet I am!

That’s precisely why I will not hold it against him or stew over this.  R has handed his life over to wickedness, in order for it to perform its evil deeds.  That’s just what it does.  It doesn’t respect boundaries or honor truth or fulfill its obligations.  It’s a lazy, lying thief.

But, greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world (and working through R).  And, He has already won the victory.

I taped a verse to my monitor immediately after R left in July 2011.  It is Isaiah 54:17, No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn.  This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their righteousness is of me, saith the Lord.

One day I will condemn R’s lying tongue that has risen against me.  That is my heritage.  It is the Lord’s promise to me.  His weapons that he forms against me will not prosper.  Oh, he’ll raise them.  Scripture doesn’t say that the weapons won’t exist.  It says they’ll be there and be formed for use against us.  The promise is just that they won’t prosper.

I trust that someday my children will know the truth.  I trust that someday all of my children, including young R, will be restored to me.  I trust that someday I will be vindicated, and R will see it.  I trust that these wrongs will be made right; therefore, I’ll rest in peace and go about my work with joy.  I imagine that isn’t the case for R.  I imagine he still lies awake, tossing and turning like he always did, as he plots and plans, angry that he didn’t get everything he wanted, angry that I got away.

I worry that my children will grow up normalizing abuse and viewing manipulation as an acceptable means of obtaining your desires.  However, I can also see that they are learning some important life lessons through all of this.  My daughter, at only four, is learning to say no and draw firm boundaries.  My sons are learning discernment.  They’re learning that everyone isn’t honest and doesn’t really want to be friends.  They are learning that there are some people out there who actually enjoy hurting others, and you need to be wary of them.

Those are lessons I wish I’d learned years ago.  I wish I’d understood my right to draw safe boundaries and not accept the false blame others placed on me.  Had I been taught those important concepts, I may have avoided being R’s victim.

Right now, today though, I am no longer his victim, so I’m choosing to draw a boundary on his blame.

What do you know?  I’m no longer angry.