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I was excited to go to church this past Sunday morning. We’re enjoying being in church again and hearing solid preaching. And, I had new clothes to wear!
After delivering the youngest two children to their classes, I tried to sneak into the sanctuary fifteen minutes late. A tall gentleman was showing slides of Haitian children opening shoe boxes. No luck sliding in unnoticed while everyone was standing and singing. You could have heard a pin drop in there, and that door I came through was a lot louder than a pin.
I caught the last half of his presentation and pondered how I might come up with the money to let J do a shoe box for a 7 year old boy and D do one up for a 5 year old little girl. It would be good for them to learn to be on the other end of charity.
Our former youth pastor from our last church attends this church, too, and he and his wife were leading worship this week. She sings like an angelic little bird. The musical worship was great, and I found myself lost in it, tossing my head back, swaying side to side, and raising my arms up to my Lord.
But, the pastor wasn’t there.
The youth pastor stepped away from the drum set and took his place, center stage.
He asked us to open to the book of Jonah, and he began to expound on its message. Using literary comparisons, he gave us the main idea. Jonah denied his calling, and God pursues and does not give up on His people. He discussed the elements of the story and outlined the main characters. In the course of explaining that Jonah is the antagonist, he shared that Ninevah literally means fish town, and it is ironic that Jonah was swallowed by the very thing, a fish, that he was running from, the fish town.
His main idea seemed to be that we should not deny our calling. This young pastor stated that if the Lord has called us to do something, to preach to someone, we should follow the Lord’s prompting.
I’ve been “given words from the Lord” from a number of people recently. None of these individuals are connected to each other, so I’ve accepted that the Lord does indeed have a “job” for me to do. However, I have been denying it. I find a million reasons to set it aside. I’m just too busy these days. So, I felt pricked in my heart as I listened to his opening words.
I was drawn in by his literary connection. At first. Then, the theology was brought forth, and I found my shoulders drawing forward as I winced at his words.
“Like the pagan sailors, find out who Yahweh is, and then the storms will cease.”
No wonder they seek the hidden, unrepented of sin in my life when I turn to them for help. Using their Greek logic, his statement could be turned around to: I would not suffer these storms if I’d just get right with God.
He continued, “The world says, ‘Burn that bridge!’ but God says, ‘Reconcile with one another.”
He asked who it is that we are bitter against. The drunk driver that killed a child? A child molester? Who is it that we deem to be unworthy of forgiveness? We were told to “remember where you came from.” We were instructed to “remember you were once lost.” “A child molester is just someone who needs Jesus.” We were advised to “enter into a dialogue with those you deem unworthy.”
The amens were going up all around the room while I wanted to bolt for the door.
I spent my entire life trying to dialogue with my mother. She was hard in her heart and refused my love and my words. I spent 16 years trying to dialogue with my now ex-husband. My love and kindness only worsened the beatings. Once, in a moment of transparency, R admitted that my kindness only enraged him more because he knew he didn’t deserve it. It made him feel like I was better than he because I was able to show love and kindness to him no matter what he did to me.
I never deemed them unworthy. Nor did I desire revenge. As a child, I prayed my mother would die. And, I began praying for R’s death shortly after we married and the choking and beatings began. I only longed for their deaths because I saw no escape from their hell. It was out of self-preservation that I desired their harm, not out of revenge or hatred. Even David, a man after God’s own heart, prayed for the deaths of his enemies.
Sitting there, I tried to remind myself that this young man is indeed young. His life experiences must be fairly limited. He’d made a comment that no one sitting in that room knew what it’s like to be tortured. Hmmmmm………
He is just naive. He truly doesn’t know any better.
An older pastor once told me to remember the three Rs: There can be no Restoration of Relationship without Repentance. He said to remember that God Himself freely offers us His forgiveness, but we can’t receive it until we repent. We should follow His lead in our relationships with each other by standing ready to forgive while eagerly waiting for the offender to repent.
Jesus instructed his disciples to shake the dust off their feet when they departed from those who would not receive them or their message. And, He described terrible punishment for those who hurt a child.
Yet, this very young pastor says that we are to view them as we view ourselves, we are no better than they.
I thought of the pastor who told my 6 year old son he needed to repent for “allowing” himself to be sexually abused. I recalled the pastor who became concerned for my marriage and stated that he was going to be praying that I did NOT follow through on my safety plan to escape my abuser in an attempt to save my life and the lives of my children. I remembered the well meaning older women who tried to teach me to submit, submit, submit, which I was already doing to the point that I was bowing before a false idol.
Then, the youth pastor turned another direction and began talking about not foolishly sleeping, as Jonah did in the boat, but to be awake and alert.
Isn’t that what he and all those crying, “Amen!” are doing? Foolishly sleeping? They are not awake and alert to the violence toward women and children. They are sleeping and dreaming that it isn’t happening. It isn’t happening in their worlds. When it is forced in their faces, they require the women and children to forgive and remember that they are not better than those they are accusing. And, they are told their God is a God of reconciliation, so reconcile!
At that moment, as I became aware that my shoulders were curled forward and I was slumped in my chair, eyes squinting against his painful words, I realized why I’ve been denying my calling.
People repeatedly tell me, “Every time I pray for you, I get a strong message that you are to speak for abused women.”
I want to minister to them someday. I want to put my arms around them and tell them I understand. I want to publicly share my story, so others will know they are not alone. I want to tell them they didn’t deserve that. They are loved by God, and He never wanted that for them. Their husbands’ actions were evil and wicked in the eyes of our loving Father.
I don’t want to speak for them.
Statistics say that one in four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. There were more than four women in that sanctuary. That means I wasn’t the only one sitting there that morning. That means those other women were also being told to quit looking at themselves as better than their abusers (which is ridiculous because battered women see themselves as unworthy) and to reconcile with those evil men.
If I were to speak for abused women, who would I speak to?
Ahhhhh, therein lies the secret to why I’ve been denying my calling.
I fear, as Jonah did, the wrath of those to whom I would speak. I fear my message will not be received well. And, they, like the Ninevites, have a history of violence and persecution.
But, if Jonah was swallowed by a fish as he tried to run from the fish town, how would the church swallow me? I don’t want to sit in the bowels of that beast with the stench of the heresy that turns away the brokenhearted and winks at the sins of the wicked who abuse children.
The book of Jonah closes with a conversation between God and Jonah. God has the last word:
Then said the Lord, “Thou hast had pity on the gourd, for the which thou hast not labored, neither madest it grow; which came up in a night, and perished in a night: and should not I spare Ninevah, that great city, wherein are more than sixscore thousand persons that cannot discern between their right hand and their left hand; and also much cattle?”
That’s a question I’d like to pose to the pastors like the young man I listened to on Sunday. They’ve had pity for child molesters and wife beaters, men they haven’t labored over nor have they helped these men grow in Christ. These men will perish. Scripture tells us their end will be bad. Yet, should God not spare the great multitude of battered women and abused children who can’t discern between their right hand and their left hand for reason of the tremendous emotional abuse they’ve suffered?
Perhaps that’s the question, the word, the Lord wants me to bring before these men.
I guess I’m reluctantly going to Ninevah.
ravinj said:
It seems you’ve already heard what you needed to in that sermon. But have you pondered the meaning of forgiveness? It doesn’t take two sides. Reconciliation does, but you can forgive the wrongs others have done from a safe distance. Forgive without releasing the boundaries that protect you. Certainly it is harder than to forgive one who is penitent. Also, have you forgiven yourself? Not for being abused, which was NOT your fault, but for your very human prayers for release when you were in your personal Garden of Gethsemane? Even Jesus asked for the cup of suffering to be passed from him.
I hope you are able to be a voice in your community as you have been with your blog. And I hope they heed your message, that you’re bound for Nineveh. You’ve played the role of Lot and walked away before. I hope you don’t have to do that again–but I know you will if you have to, to protect your family.
ravinj said:
Quick addition, you might want to research spiritual abuse–if you haven’t already.
anewfreelife said:
PS It’s hard, too, to forgive myself when others still see me as the family scapegoat. My daughter’s husband picked up the baby last week, and they took off to town. He didn’t put the breast milk away before they went to town, so it all ruined. She just dropped the baby off and told me that she’s mad at me because he claims it was slushy when he picked it up from me. She said, “I don’t know if your freezer is going out or what!” I showed her the frozen stuff in my freezer; it’s rock hard. Besides, if it was slushy, why not put it in the fridge? (It wasn’t though.) Bottom line is, they’re new parents. She just had a baby and then a surgery and is working, and he isn’t participating or co-parenting. He had not wanted children, and I’m sure he’s copping an attitude. Whatever. Somehow, the ruined breast milk is my fault. Why not? Everything has always been my fault. It’s funny because FitForService and I were just talking about this yesterday afternoon…..how my mom blamed me for everything, including my own conception at a New Year’s Eve party! It’s laughable! But, it’s hard to garner the strength to hold my head up and tell myself it’s okay when the family tradition continues.
fitforservice said:
I read that whole rant and wondered if it had been the hubby who had screwed up. Lame.
anewfreelife said:
That was very perceptive of you! Turns out that the bottle her MIL got blamed for–the first story was that the MIL “let” a dog chew up the bottle–the hubby had dropped down the garbage disposal and hadn’t fished it out!
anewfreelife said:
When a daycare provider gave my youngest son the same message I hard preached this last Sunday, I demonstrated the principle to him as a pitcher of forgiveness water. I told him to pretend that he’d hurt me. I wanted to forgive him though. So, I had a pitcher of “forgiveness water” that I pretended like I was going to pour on his feet. He jumped back. I looked surprised and said something like, “Oh, I can’t give my forgiveness water to you though because you don’t have a cup of repentance to put it in!” It went from there, and he totally got it.
The one thing I’ve found nearly impossible to forgive myself for is the suffering I put my kids through by staying in that awful marriage. That’s a bitter pill to swallow. I’m trying, but it is hard.
Thank you for reminding me about Jesus in the Garden! I needed to hear that this morning! I was feeling guilty and ungrateful this morning for my continued prayers for ease and peace. But, He did pray for that. He certainly isn’t going to condemn me for it. 😀
If my heartfelt pleading for the young pastor to reconsider his theology of reconciliation without repentance falls on deaf ears, I will take the kids and move on yet again. I’d love for it turn out positively but if it doesn’t I won’t stay and raise my kids under bad theology, heresy even. Because what the pastor said was, “God is a God of reconciliation. We are called to reconcile with our enemies regardless of their position.” That’s dangerous talk! And, yes, it smacks of spiritual abuse for sure! My personal take is that all abuse comes from the same evil place and that spirit won’t go against itself, so the church is merely protecting those child molesters and abusers because they’re one of their own. And, that is very scary. At the least though, it’s a set up for their own abuse that’s coming down the pike. Later on, once it becomes evident, if anyone has a problem with it they’ll be reminded that they are the one sinning for being so unforgiving and not having a spirit of reconciliation. Either way, I don’t want to be around for that. But, I’ll try first and see where I get. It would be wonderful to have just one church in this community open their eyes and help victims! Hope, hope!
ravinj said:
I know there are Christians and churches who understand. I think you have the right attitude about effecting change. I hope it works out, too.
Barbara Backer-Gray said:
Well said! I’d almost say “Amen sister”, but since I’m an atheist I’ll just say “You rock girl”.
anewfreelife said:
LOL!!! Thank you!
Aurora said:
Thank you for these words. Spoke to me on so many different levels. While I was never physically abused, the emotional abuse took a huge toll on my life. Hardest part for me was that there was never any physical scars to show for it, so sometimes people did not believe I was suffering. I was fortunate to be in a church in recent years where there were some who had been where I was, and could see what I did not even acknowledge at the time. They encouraged and prayed for me that God would open my eyes to what was really happening. The encouraged me to stand up and say no to what was happening, and realize that there was more to life than living with the abuse. I thank God everyday for those women who had the courage to do so.I find that courage comes in stages. I ask God to give me enough to get through each trial as it comes, and He always does. As I look back on my life I marvel at how far I have come, and how God has given me exactly what I needed for whatever challenge lays ahead Praying that God will strengthen you to stand up and speak, even when the message you speak is not palatable for some people within the church. You may not be able to reach everybody with the message, but if you change even one woman’s life it is worth it.
anewfreelife said:
And, now you’re encouraging me! It’s come full circle! Thank you!
And, thank you for sharing your story and your pain. I think and hope that if enough of us in a great enough number come forward and begin to speak out there must be change. We can’t be ignored if our voice is collectively loud enough.
I’m so happy that you have come so far! Your voice is especially important because you can show those caught in it or, like me, are still struggling with the recovery part that there is an end, that He is faithful to lead us all the way out. ❤
Katy said:
Young pastors starting out are the worst, as far as being “on fire for God” and yet not having the maturity or wisdom to give good counsel.
They go to seminary but you know what nobody teaches in seminary? Domestic abuse, child abuse, sexual abuse, addictions, and yet this is the stuff that comes through the church doors and is eating people in the pews. And new pastors have only studied the scriptures and the way things are “supposed to be” — not the way things actually are.
I know that pastors have to start out somewhere, I just wish that seminaries did a better job preparing young men.
anewfreelife said:
Exactly! And, around here, where I live, not all of them even go to seminary. They’re just multi generational ministry who follow in daddy’s footsteps into the family business. They’ve lived insulated lives, and because these things are so far outside their realm of reality they just don’t see it or even believe it exists.
The BEST pastor I ever had came from a single parent family. He’d even been a pot smoker in high school! He somehow ended up getting saved and feeling the calling so went to seminary. He had a small business that he ran out of his home. It was a skilled labor type of job. The church started out in his home. And, even he and his wife paid tithes. He didn’t take any sort of salary from the church. He had his business that they lived off, but they did struggle financially. He either had lived or was choosing to live where the hurting live. And, that made him an amazing pastor. Unfortunately, his wife wasn’t supportive of it and didn’t want to be a pastor’s wife, so he gave it up. He knew though. He got it. I wish there were more like him, more truly called and not just choosing it.
Jen said:
Good luck talking to your pastor. I would go with you if I could. I completely understand where you are coming from. Forgiveness to my mother for me is simply not wishing her harm. If she came to me with an apology I would even welcome her into my house for a visit. It’s been almost 12 years, it took 6 years or more before I got to this point. Remember to be kind when you speak to him, he doesn’t seem to realize the evil that is in this world. There must be scripture about Satan looking for any chinks in the fence to get into people’s souls. Perhaps that should be brought up to him. If forgiveness and reconciliation are needed then it should be God that forgives and the abuser should reconcile him (or her) self with God. we are mere mortals in this world and none of us have or should be expected to have the strength or power of God to turn an evil heart back to good.
Praying your message is heard.
ravinj said:
For one of my foster sisters, her ability to forgive led to being able to attend her bio-father’s funeral peacefully. They never reconciled, but she was able to forgive. I think sometimes it’s about making room in your own cup. Forgivness as part of letting go, not as part of reconciliation. You are 100% right about reconciliation and I love the analogy you made.
anewfreelife said:
That’s what I had to do with my mom. I couldn’t attend her memorial service though. I didn’t feel .like I could sit and listen to what a wonderful woman she’d been when she just wasn’t. Wow, my hat is off to your sister! I did, however, help my daughter choose the marker, and I went with my daughter when she placed some of the ashes under the marker. I also take flowers on Mother’s Day and my mom’s birthday. Oh, and I did go with my brother to her viewing. It was important to him to see her. I didn’t want to, but he asked me to so I did. In that, I was expressing forgiveness toward him and her, I think.
Neither of my parents spoke to me or had anything to do with my kids for several years up until 2008. I felt really impressed upon to call both of them though and apologize for the hurt I’d caused them. I also let them both know that I’d forgiven them. My mom was horrible still and sent me a very hurtful and curt email afterward. She didn’t think I needed to forgive her for anything. My dad, however, was so receptive and told me there was nothing to apologize for. He and I began, at that point, to build a relationship unlike anything we’d ever had. He never apologized to me, but, from his actions, I knew he’d repented so I felt safe entering into a relationship with him. When I did that I had no idea they’d both be dead in three years. I’m so glad I was able to forgive each of them and express that to them. It gives me some closure now that they’re both gone. I grieve my dad horribly some days, but I’m so grateful for those last three years. I have a lot of pain from my mom, and I have to work through that. But, I don’t have to work through getting over hating a dead woman. Sigh. I’m grateful for that.
anewfreelife said:
Oh, Jen, thank you! I’d take you with me if I could!
I really like what you said about us not having the strength or power of God to turn an evil heart to good. It does feel like “they” often expect that of us, especially when we’re still in the throws of abuse. If only we’d first forgive (meaning go to the abuser and reconcile), it would soften that hard abusive heart. That isn’t scriptural or sound on any level.
Jen said:
Forgot to check for notifications on this one. I hope you post soon to let us know how it goes.
anewfreelife said:
I will! 😀 I’ve decided to write him a letter. I’ve been reading John Piper’s garbage about women offending men by confronting them with their femininity and that women shouldn’t teach men. I’ve learned to assume the worst (I know I just wrote about assuming, but I can’t help it! LOL) when it comes to theology. I want my message to be received well, so, just in case he’s a follower of the Pied Piper, I’ve decided to not confront him with my femininity.
Jen said:
In this case you can call it deciding to use caution and make sure that all of your words are heard without having to defend yourself midway through making your point.
anewfreelife said:
Excellent point, Jen!