Tags
alternative medicine, child abuse, divorce, domestic violence, home schooling, marriage, parenting, personal growth
The old woman who lived in the house obviously hadn’t cleaned while she lived there. The mouse and rat droppings vacuumed up. The appliances required three applications of cleaner and sound scrubbings before they quit running mud. But, the floors! Oh! The floors!
My right shoulder went from aching to burning and my right wrist began to get weak, so I switched hands. I laid my body weight into the scrub brush, desperately trying to lift the black from the linoleum.
That night I barely slept. I couldn’t roll onto my left shoulder without being awakened by sharp pain.
I soaked in Epsom salts and essential oils. I iced the shoulder. I diligently performed gentle stretches. But, the pain persisted and I was unable to lift anything with my left arm. I first had to lift items with my right arm and then transfer them to my left to carry them.
On my regularly scheduled chiropractic appointment the doctor couldn’t get my upper back to release. The pressure his hold was placing on my left shoulder caused me to seize up and resist him.
I asked Doc what I should tell the massage therapist needed worked on the most. He responded, “I’m going to talk to him.”
I didn’t think that sounded good.
The massage therapist worked and worked on my shoulder, pointing out the striatians of adhesions visible just under my skin. I knew that meant the ox bone tool was coming. After stretching, manipulating, and massaging the shoulder girdle, he rubbed an ointment onto my skin and began scraping the old and deep scar tissue, breaking it up in order to free the left side of my body.
I fought tears.
The pain was intense, and it was hard at times to catch my breath. Then, he’d move to another spot, and I could talk and even joke.
He wants to see me back in a week. There’s more work to do on that shoulder.
As I stood at the payment/scheduling window, I could feel the sting of tears building up and heat flushing my face. I wanted to burst into an open bawl. Not from the physical pain this time, but from the emotions that had been locked up in that tightened muscle memory. A pathway had been opened, and those old wounds wanted to flow out. Out my eyes and down my cheeks.
My massage therapist asked if I needed to throw up.
We discussed the powerful mind/body connection, and I shared that I was aware that just saying the word “control”caused me to tighten up and pull my shoulders forward. I wanted to control my pain and my reaction to it, and my body responded accordingly.
As I drove home, crying and praying out loud, I was keenly and suddenly aware I can’t fix it. I can’t fix anything. I can’t fix my ruined childhood. I can’t fix my promiscuous past. I can’t fix my broken children. I can’t fix others’ perception of me.
I can’t control my painful experiences by fixing them to appear better than what they were.
I could not and did not give my children a better experience by being the opposite of my own mother. A clean home, an emphasis on education, and home cooked meals didn’t fix the dysfunction of our family life. My children still ended up beaten, molested, raped, and neglected. It wasn’t my mother’s slovenly habits that allowed those things to happen to me.
Working out to the point of pulling ligaments and giving myself a hernia didn’t keep my husband faithful. Being thin didn’t fix his infidelity.
Graduating community college, securing a good job, and building a successful business didn’t provide us with security. A steady cash flow didn’t fix my husband’s spending and addictions. It didn’t fix his lack of responsibility.
Sewing for my children, planning creative parties, raising farm animals, attending church, providing extracurricular activities…..none of it fixed the gigantic holes in my heart or the scars to my body. Nor those of my children.
After all of the exhaustive running and doing and trying, nothing got fixed. I was beaten, starved, molested, and denied medical care as a very little girl. Nothing can fix that. It didn’t magically go away because I ran my daughter to horse riding lessons.
I was brutally raped by a “friend.” All of the sleeping around and breaking up with boys didn’t fix that. It didn’t erase the memory.
My husband beat me, choked me, raped me, sodomized me, and tried to kill me. All of the crafting and home schooling and canning didn’t fix what he had done to me. My attempts at being the quintessential homemaker didn’t provide me with a loving marriage.
Texting my adult children constantly and sending them care packages doesn’t make up for my failure to protect them as children. I can’t fix their very real pain and resentment by accepting whatever lifestyle they choose now. Being the cool mom to my 20 somethings doesn’t mend their brokenness nor does it erase my guilt.
I can’t fix it.
What’s done is done. This is our reality. It’s ugly. It’s harsh. It’s socially unacceptable. But, it’s our reality. It’s what we’ve known and what we’ve lived. Nothing done today can fix yesterday.
So, I laid it on Christ today. I tacked it to His cross. I may have to do that everyday as more scar tissue gets exposed. But, it’s His and His alone to fix.
I’m off now to teach my children. Not because I want to prove to anyone I’m a good mom but simply because I enjoy the look of accomplishment on their faces. And, they enjoy being home educated. They are pleased I’ve chosen to continue with it in spite of being single and working. That’s my pay off.
I’ll make cookies and home made soup later on to go with the homemade whole wheat biscuits I made and froze last week. Not because that’s what good Christian wives and mothers do but because I love to cook and I really love to eat.
I’m also going to sew pillows for the sofa if I have time this afternoon. Not because I can’t wait to post pictures to Facebook and get approval for my craftiness. It’s simply that I want my things to match and this is cheaper. And, I’d like to have those little projects done before I start community college next week. This time I’m not going in order to please my mother or to fix what others think of me. This time I’m going to learn the skills necessary to do what I want with my life.
Even that is up in the air though. I can’t fix the mess of my divorced, lonely, post abuse life by returning to school. Only Christ can fix any of this. It’s beyond my control. It always has been.
MeganC said:
I love your heart. Despite all that has happened and all that is *in the past and gone and done and over with*, you have remained tender and compassionate. You have chosen this. No one did it to you. You decided to leave the bitterness behind and take control of what you *could* take control of. I admire you.
anewfreelife said:
Oh my goodness, thank you so much for your sweet words! The feeling is most definitely mutual! ❤
healingInHim said:
This post is so well written.
I want to move on. I’m still here. My home educated adult children have taken on the faith of their Dad. He made several false professions and after many years of covering up for his sexual exploitation and emotional abuse, well, he has decided to not be a Christian and has reunited with his siblings (parents deceased).
My children have also decided to be more in tune to his family and now are staunch environmentalists, eastern thought, etc. After years of rude comments to me I finally realized that I was not allowed to discuss Christianity or home education without receiving rebuffs or the silent treatment.
This summer I have been further alienated and not allowed to see a precious 18-month granddaughter. I have had extensive counselling and both Biblical and secular have confirmed I have done nothing wrong except “finally” lay down some boundaries that are not being well received. (interestingly a neurologist ‘highly recommended’ that my husband receive psychiatric counsel but he refuses)
So now, I am attempting to move on and even though I know who I am In Christ; I feel somewhat robbed of being a homemaker, wife, mother and grandmother … this has been taken away from me. I’ve cautiously applied for several jobs and praying for God’s perfect will as I truly want to glorify Him in all that I do.
I have been counselled to leave but with health issues and being emotionally and physically exhausted at times; I find it overwhelming. I still have paperwork to complete for a legal separation that I applied for on July 31 but find this even very difficult to complete.
Covet your prayers as your life experience would qualify you to truly understand the craziness of these circumstances. AND bless you with your cooking. I too, cooked from “scratch” except now the health issues have made it so I can not eat home baked goods like I used to:-(
anewfreelife said:
Thank you!
I do completely understand the craziness! And, you most definitely have my commitment to pray for you!
Everyone’s path and journey is unique, but I sense you’re in the worst of it right now. I know it sounds like an oxymoron, but, as exhausting as it is to be single, it’s not as exhausting as living with an abuser. They seem to just suck the very life right out of ya! My physical recovery has been slow going, but I’m quite confident I would have only worsened if we’d have remained married. I’m so deeply sorry for all that has been taken from you. It is robbery!
Dear Lord, I ask you to bring physical healing and emotional strength to Healing in Him right now. Please open her children’s eyes and hearts and restore those relationships. Stir that heart that is denying her a relationship with her grandchild. Bring others into her life who will love on her and support her, acting as surrogate family. Help her to do what must be done legally to protect herself, and bless her with that perfect job opportunity. Let her blossom there. Please give her beauty for ashes and restore to her the years the locust has eaten. In Jesus’ s name I ask these things, Amen.
healingInHim said:
Thank you so much. My confidence level is shaken; I can’t believe what I have become. Your words to our awesome God is very much what I desire and I believe, according to Scripture what the Lord would desire.
anewfreelife said:
He does…..He desires the very best for you. He is enthralled with YOU!
cindy burrell said:
Heartbreaking. Real and raw and honest. Thank you for sharing the depth of your pain with those of us who can relate but have a hard time putting it into words. We know how much it hurts to admit where we’ve been and to wonder aloud (or on paper) how we got there.
But I know, as you do, that our God transforms our death into new life, and love and grace are all the more powerful when we realize what our life is like without them. May our loving Lord heal and guard your precious heart and draw others to Him through the powerful ministry of your testimony.
Cindy
anewfreelife said:
Thank you so much, Cindy. I keep reading and re reading your comment. I cry each time. Your words have touched me deeply. Thank you!
accfighter said:
You’re doing a great job. The past is the past… Your you NOW is awesome. Love you!
anewfreelife said:
I can’t believe you’re supporting me when you are where you are right now. Such a testimony to the strength of women, friendship, and sisterhood! I love you, too, Warrior Princess!
accfighter said:
I will support you until my last breath, my beautiful friend… That’s what sisters in Christ do! xoxo
anewfreelife said:
You amaze me! xoxoxo
ravinj said:
You can’t fix the past. But you can do the things today that are worth doing for their own sakes, and you can plan and hope for the future. The past is broken. You laid it down in God’s hands. Shake the dust of it from your shoes and keep going!
anewfreelife said:
Amen! Yes! Amen!
sherry said:
Thank you so much for your honesty. Thank God for his healing in all our lives
anewfreelife said:
Thank you for joining me in this journey. Yes, thank you, Lord, for healing us all! 🙂
Still Scared( but getting angry) said:
I want to be able to fix it! there should be some way…Sometimes I stay there. Thank you for pointing out where I am stuck right now. Thank you , thank you!
anewfreelife said:
Oh, you and I are so much alike, aren’t we?! 🙂 Hugs!
caroline abbott said:
Without Christ, we truly have no hope. Thank God we have Him.
anewfreelife said:
Amen!
perdido said:
needed to read this today
anewfreelife said:
I’m so glad if this helped in some small way.
Ann said:
Oh how I needed this today!
Divorce not started, but will be probably be at his hand (he has muttered under his breath he can’t wait to be free of me–guess he’s waiting for last 2 children to graduate). Or I maybe forced to initiate the divorce as he has added financial abuse to all the other forms of abuse against me and is piling up the debt to the tune of $45,000.00 *so far* (I will be responsible legally for half). This would suite him just fine if I file first, than his accusatory finger will point at me and the smear campaign of how terrible I am to “break up the family” will begin.
All the “homemaking” skills, homeschooling conferences, volunteering at clubs, sports, supporting his career choices and crazy money ideas (money-pit more like it), making sure I lose all my “baby weight” and all the like made no difference for me either. Some of my adult children have extreme anger towards God, others are struggling with their relationship with God even as I am.
The word that stands out is “mess”—-a HUGE MESS—-there’s no cleaning it up, the destruction is far and wide, the wounds are wide open in me and the children.
But thank you SO MUCH for pointing the way to the cross; to Christ who alone can transform and “give beauty for ashes.”
anewfreelife said:
He so can! 🙂 I will be praying hard for you in the coming months. You’ll be on my heart and mind.