I’m dealing wth some horrific survivor guilt. 

No, not like I feel bad I survived when so many other women don’t.  It’s a different guilt.

A pastor once told me that I didn’t create the monster, but I certainly fed the beast.  And, during the past two weeks that reality has become so clear it has sickened me and I’ve cried over it several times.

I was my abuser’s fourth wife.  And, I unknowingly helped my abuser ruin his third wife’s life.  I didn’t realize it until now.

Now, that my ex has a girlfriend.  Now, that she buys him stuff because the poor man lost everything to me.  Now, that my she mothers my adult son she’s only known for six months.  The son who was introduced to her when his father brought her home from a bar and had sex with her just feet away from my son. 

She believes every awful lie my ex tells her about me.  My son fails to tell the truth but seems to want to please his father so allows, accepts, and perpetuates the lies. Perhaps he’s still trying to earn his abusive father’s love and acceptance.  And, truth gets you in trouble and rejected.

She coddles my abuser and tells him and the world how wonderful he is.  He responds to it by increasing his aggressive, manipulative, and demanding behavior with the kids and me. 

She is feeding the beast.

I did, too.

I’m mad at her, but I’m also mad at myself.

He convinced me he’d lost everything to his third wife; she was evil, an unfit mother; she deserved to lose her child.  And, I helped him inflict pain on her via her child.  I helped him deny her child support.  I justified his evil actions.

Now, I’m on the receiving end of all of that, and I can see how foolish I was.  I long to apologize to his third wife for supporting him in his continued abuses against her. 

I had no idea.  Just as I’m sure this new woman doesn’t. 

His third wife was always nice to me in spite of what she had to realize I was doing to aid and abet her abuser.  My face is flushed with anger over a lie of a Facebook post I just read on my son’s wall…….the new woman told my son his dad lost everything to me in our divorce.  I don’t think I could be nice to her right now.  But, I have to be.  She says it in ignorance.  Just like I did.  She’s clueless.  It’s taken me 20 years to realize my participation in his “game.”  I certainly can’t expect her to see clearly after six months, in the throws of being love bombed, what took me two decades to understand.

There are enough people in this town who know the truth about our relationship.   The truth will prevail.  Outside of my son’s lostness, what bothers me most is wondering what ever happened to that woman who was left with nothing.  That woman who’s relationship with her children was fractured.  That woman who lost her kids, her job, her home, her car, her family, her reputation.   I ache for her.

I’ve become her.  And, the new one has become me. 

His cycle continues.  He’ll eventually consume all he can from the new one.  I wonder if she’ll wake up and realize what she did to my children and to me by feeding that narcissistic beast. 

While it would be great for her personal growth, in a way I hope she doesn’t.  This kind of survivor guilt is horrible.  It’s eating me alive. 

I don’t know where #3 is, so the best I can do is throw it out to the universe and hope she catches it……..I am so deeply, deeply sorry for hurting you, for believing his lies and encouraging and enabling him to take your child from you.  I’m so sorry I supported him in destroying you in other people’s eyes.  I’m so sorry I didn’t treat you with the kindness you deserved and needed.