I don’t like those memes on Facebook that state you make time for those you really care about and if you don’t make time that’s proof you don’t care.
I genuinely don’t have time. Even when I might, I’m too exhausted to clean up and socialize. On those rare occasions I do I’m usually even more drained from trying to pretend that I have compassion for what I consider the non problems others drone on about.
I’m just depressed.
But, really depressed.
On Tuesday as I was leaving work my client pulled up. I smiled and waved, and she turned away. She then drove right on past and parked at the end of her road, waiting for me to leave. She’s not the first to ignore me.
I clean their toilets and scrub their floors and showers. I wear out my vacuums and have to replace them every six months. I have holes in the knees of all of my pants and chronic calluses on my hands and knees. My back always burns. And, I’m unseen.
It reminds me of growing up. Of my marriage. Do the work. Absorb the costs. Suffer silently. We don’t acknowledge you. We don’t see you.
I should be glad to head home at the end of the day, but I’m not. The tarped roof, the bitter cold, the filth, the dark…. they fight against the idea of rest and peace. Of home.
We bathed in a stock tank outside for a month this summer because of plumbing problems. You haven’t lived until you’ve hauled buckets of water in 100+ degrees at the end of a long work day. Or, until you’ve stripped naked outside in the chill of the morning and lowered yourself into yesterday’s now cold water.
A large tree fell across the driveway this week and I’m beyond grateful two of my wonderful, precious adult sons came to my rescue, but I missed work because of it. I needed the money. Instead, it cost money. And, “friends” responded, “Yay! Free firewood!” There was nothing free about it.
I’m writing this from my phone because, ten months later, I still haven’t been able to replace my old dead computer.
I rehomed my young male dog after he broke his expensive cable and ate a hole in the bathroom wall. He’s happy in his new home, but I felt awful. And, again, Facebook memes reminded me that you don’t “give up on family.” Three days later my old dog started bleeding profusely from two systems, and I had to make the decision to put her down. I’ve never done that before. It was HORRIBLE!
My ex husband’s girlfriend Facestalked me until I blocked her and has harassed my friends in public places, asking questions about me. And, she argued with my adult daughter on Facebook as to how I took my ex for everything. I just want to be left alone! Yet, the lies and creepy behavior continue…..5 1/2 years later.
It just feels like nothing much has changed with the passing of time. Any hope I had for a brighter future post abuse has died. I remember sitting in the DV support group way back in the beginning and thinking I did NOT want to be like those women–a year or two out and still stuck.
And, people wonder why we don’t just leave abusive situations. I’m beginning to wonder if there is ever really a way out once it happens. Or, if the pit is just too deep to ever climb out.
So, I’m sorry I’m quiet. I’m sorry I can’t meet for dinner or drinks or a Bible study. I’m sorry I don’t blog anymore. I’m just depressed.