The perky voice on the other end of the line responded to my decline to her invitation to church, “Well, it just really hit my heart when someone told me once that if I wasn’t going to church because of other people, then my faith was in other people, not God.”
All I’d said was that church doesn’t feel like a safe place for us right now.
I really feel that if you have to be showing up to church every Sunday, which isn’t God’s Sabbath anyway, to PROVE your faith, then your faith isn’t in God but is, rather, in an institution and isn’t based on obedience to Him but, rather, other people’s perception of your activities.
I don’t want to practice Churchianity. I want to walk with my God every hour of every day. I want to do scary things with Him, like create a life post abuse, unfortunately, without loving support from those who claim to be His hands and feet.
I’ve received comments on this blog, which I’ve chosen not to allow, stating that I’m not a Christian. I can’t be, not with my position and the things that I write.
I’m avoided by Christian home schooling moms and people we used to attend church alongside. They either look away and pretend they don’t see me or they introduce themselves and make a point of telling me they don’t know who I am, though we’ve run in the same circle for decades and have shared intimate conversations. I’m one of those who has “fallen away.”
I just don’t toe the line. I’m “out of fellowship.” I “need to have those kids in church.” I “should not speak evil against other people. We ALL sin and have fallen short.” I am accused of being “full of bitterness.”
Last week I shared a link on Facebook to a wonderful blog post about how everything doesn’t have a good purpose. I shared it with several people in mind whom I knew would find comfort in the writer’s words. The premise was that sometimes people die and babies are raped, and it just hurts. And, it’s okay to hurt. It’s cruel to tell a grieving mother that God has a plan for all of this and she’ll see someday how good this will all work out.
One very religious woman didn’t like that post and commented that she chooses to believe the word of God is true and that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28. I deleted her comment and unfriended her. This has happened just one too many times with her, and I’ve tried and tried through private messages to tell her how she comes off to others.
She didn’t hear the smugness in her comment. She didn’t even comprehend how that could be taken by someone deeply wounded and suffering in that moment. She was using scripture as a weapon, not a comfort. She wielded the Word as a double-edged sword with power to divide joints and marrow instead of using it as a soothing balm, reminding the weak of God’s great love for them and that He came to bind up the broken-hearted.
These types of people seem to always be prepared to spout off a suitable scripture to put people in their place, but they’ve conveniently forgotten those scriptural references that would stop them from such behavior. They are fluent in Scripturese and use it regularly to prove their spiritual superiority to those of us who experience any human emotions.
When Jesus arrived at the home of his friend Lazarus after Lazarus had died, Jesus wept along with everyone else. He was God manifested in flesh and knew His intention was to perform a miracle that day, to raise Lazarus from the dead. But, He wept. He stood there with all of those broken-hearted friends and family members and cried over the loss of a friend and brother. He didn’t stand and condemn them for failing to rejoice in Lazarus entering into eternal rest and peace or the temporal condition of all of this anyway. He stood with them and wept also.
Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep. Romans 12:15
By saying that she “chooses to believe God’s word is true,” she seems to be inferring that those who feel, say, or think that sometimes bad things just happen are choosing to believe God’s word is not true. Or, perhaps she just thinks we don’t love God? Or, aren’t even counted among the called??? Of course, that leads us to even darker places of doubt where we all too often go in our darkest moments anyway….Why is God doing this to me? Does He love me? He loves everyone but maybe I’m so awful, so sinful, so unforgivable, He doesn’t love me. Maybe I’m not even really saved? I’ve accepted Him into my heart and been baptised. I believe. But, maybe I’m not saveable? Maybe the abuse made me too dirty for His kingdom.
In the process of preparing for our eventual move, I’m fixing what needs or can be fixed and getting rid of what can’t be. It’s been an emotional three months of downsizing and saying goodbye to things I’ve held onto for far too long. So, I took the guitars in to the music store to see if they could be fixed. We attended church with the owner; my boys took lessons there; and he’s done repairs for us in the past. He has often prayed for us and with us.
The guitars were to be ready in a few days but weeks went by. One excuse after another. They even left town for a week and failed to let us know he hadn’t even started the repairs yet. We just kept waiting and waiting without notification of the constantly pushed out time frame. He finally called my son and told him his younger brother’s guitar was ready. However, my vintage classical guitar could not be repaired. It was too badly damaged by the abuse my oldest daughter inflicted upon it when she borrowed it. He wanted to know what we planned to do with it. If I was just going to throw it away he would keep it and just use it at his house as wall decor. At first I agreed to that, but I couldn’t sleep that night. Something about it didn’t set right with me, so I had my son call him the next day and tell him I had changed my mind. I would like the guitar back to hang on my own wall. Truth was, I didn’t believe him. I feared if I walked in that shop a month from now I’d see my guitar repaired and for sale with nothing but pure profit for him. I’m going to take it somewhere else to get a “second opinion.”
The day I stopped in after work to pay him for what he’d done and pick up both guitars, he, of course, wanted to pray with me and asked where we’re fellowshipping now. I told him we’ve been out of church for a year and a half. He was clearly disturbed by that. I shared with him that it’s difficult being divorced in church. The children and I are viewed as second class citizens in the kingdom. I shared with him some of the harsh and condemning ways the church has dealt with our emotional, physical, and sexual abuse and how it has extended grace to our abuser and how the church has compounded our pain. He acknowledged it’s hard to “come from a broken family” in church.
He updated my contact information in the computer system and wanted to know the story behind by fantastic email address. I shared with him that when God took my health and my marriage and my parents and my brother and my adult children, I thought it was death and hell on earth. But, God was emptying me of the toxic people and things in my life and bringing me to a place of TOTAL emptiness, so He could fill me with Him and Him alone. (And, I honestly believe that.)
He smiled that schmarmy smile the practitioners of Churchianity so often smile and began to speak fluently in Scripturese, chastising me for denying the body of the gifts that my children and I have been given. Because, he reminded me, God has bestowed gifts upon each one of us, even me and my children. He finished with, “I don’t know what your role was in the demise of your marriage. You know, it’s usually our own toxicity God is trying to reveal to us. We’re the toxic ones He has to deal with.”
I actually wanted to laugh out loud, roll on the sidewalk in front of his shop, holding my stomach, and feeling as though I might burst from the belly laughs that welled up within me. He accused me of denying the body of Christ of my gifts by not going to church and sharing what God’s doing in my life, yet when I shared my testimony with him he turned it on me and corrected me on what God has been teaching me through all of this! He completely discounted my “gift!” He presumed to know the mind of God and what it is that God has really been trying to reveal to me! He didn’t want me to share anything! He just wanted me to open up enough so he could accuse and correct appropriately! He wanted me to get back in line and accept the “fact” that I’m to blame for my ex-husband’s perversion and violence and that I’m the toxic one. This so-called freedom I think I’m walking in–now that I’ve finally realized abuse is a tool the devil has used on me from birth, that my mom, dad, grandpa, ex, and everyone else were prisoner warriors in satan’s war on innocence–is false. I’m in bondage because I’m just not groveling on the ground in a continual state of contrition as I should be!
What hypocrisy!
For they bind heavy burdens and grievous to be borne, and lay them on men’s shoulders; but they themselves will not move them with one of their fingers. Matthew 23:4
The Savior is not like these people, and they are nothing like Him. They do not represent Him. For decades I thought they did. I thought they were right. If I was hurting, especially if THEY were the ones hurting me, I MUST be wrong because THEY are His people and they KNOW things I don’t. They have a mainline to God that I obviously don’t. My life has been hard, and His ways are easy. He makes our paths straight and leads us beside still waters. The children of the righteous don’t go hungry. And, these beautiful people’s paths were straight and easy. Their children lived like little princes and princesses. My children and I just suffered. We were poor, hurting, hungry, and alone. OBVIOUSLY, God was with them and not with us!!! Just ask them, they’d tell me so! In fluent Scripturese they would explain to me why they were perfect and their lives were perfect and why I just couldn’t experience the perfection they enjoyed.
But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy. James 3:17
I now reject their teachings as false. I would love to fellowship one day, find a body of believers to study with, pray with, celebrate with, and mourn with. But, I will not participate in Churchianity. For now, for a time, I choose to sit “outside the camp” alone with the one true God. I trust Him to gently and tenderly lead me where He wants me. And, for now, it seems He wants to hang out just the two of us. And, that’s okay. It’s beautiful actually. But, I know that this season will pass and eventually He’ll put me with a group of others. Just not now. And, when He does, I trust that the people will be genuine and honest and not bowing at the false altar of Churchianity, smiling while hurting others, and speaking Scripturese.
anewfreelife 
Oh, dear friend. This was so hard to read – raw and real. As I read I felt a righteous anger rising up in me like I haven’t felt in so many years, my heart pounding and a literal burning in my chest…
Sadly, the comments to which you have been subject are horribly consistent with the kinds of false judgments made against countless others like you – me included – cruel, ignorant comments that come from those who claim to be followers of Christ, those who claim to know the end from the beginning while understanding neither. That kind of toxic arrogance is what keeps many of us away from church, those of us who have grown weary of the sideways glances and not-so-subtle messages of condemnation connected to issues those people know nothing about. The church that should be a safe, accepting place for people like us isn’t.
The fact that what you have experienced is altogether common is the real tragedy. At this point, I similarly doubt that I will ever return to an institutional congregation. I enjoy “church” with the few fellow believers in my circle who “get it” and love and accept me and, like you, I know that I am right where I am supposed to be.
We are of the body of Christ – but we are not called to enjoin ourselves to the “other” body of Christ – the one inhabited by the legalists.
This piece was my “church” for today. Powerful food for thought. So thank you.
P.S. I’m glad you got the guitar back. It does seem that there was something wrong there.
Thank you so much for this comment! You always encourage and uplift me. You help me by reminding me we walk a shared path of very similar experiences, that I’m not alone. I am so sorry though that you’ve experienced this also!
Thank you for your support and your sweetness! I deeply appreciate you. Hugs! ❤
Hi I have been mentally and emotionally abused by my husband for almost 2 decades and I am only just begining to come out of the fog. My husband has practiced deception and manipulation and has steadily gotten worse as time went by and now I can only describe him as evil. He has a girlfriend and has been stealing my money to spend on her. I have confronted him and he will not stop contacting her or using my money. Now my husband does not even talk to me.
Your blog and other blogs on abuse have helped me see abuse as it is that it is real and ugly and anti God. I doubt people will believe me if I tell them how my husband abused me so I don’t even try.
I told my pastor what he did and all he could tell me was that my husband did not “plot” to abuse me and that the marriage must have dwindled many years later due to various factors. The main reason why I stay on in the marriage and put up with what my husband does is that there is a risk and real possibility that my husband will forcefully convert my child to another faith. I am at a loss what to do.
I am praying that my husband will leave and I can have my freedom. But I believe that God did not cause my marriage to happen or cause my husband to abuse me. I chose to marry my husband despite my better judgment and I cannot fault God now on why He did not prevent it when he has prevented other bad things from happening in my life. I know God is in control of my life and has good plan for me although as I write I am not sure what that plan is and my husband continues with his bad behavior. I am trusting God with my child’s future and mine. If I say that God is not in control of my life and my circumstances, then it would mean something else or someone else is greater than Him and that God is powerless to deal with my circumstances.
I feel your pain and trauma you have gone through and the trauma others put you through with their judgmental and supercilious attitudes. We live in a sin ridden world and cannot avoid contact with other people. If you cannot bring yourself to attend church there are so many sermons online. There is a sermon by Ps Charles Stanley titled “Victim or Victor” which you can listen to on you tube. It helped me a lot.
God bless you richly sister.
Ann
Oh Ann, I’m so sorry! I can almost audibly hear your pain in your words. Are you familiar with A Cry for Justice? Pastor Crippen and Barbara and the rest of the crew over there are beyond fabulous in helping victims within the church. They have a blog here on WordPress and can also be found on Facebook.
Regarding your pastor’s thoughts on the demise of your marriage, have you read George Simon or Lundy Bancroft? Both are EXCELLENT resources for understanding why abusers do the things they do.
I stayed for 16 years because I was afraid my ex would take my children from me and then be free to abuse them even more without me there to protect them at all. We all have reasons for staying, and we all know when it’s right or safe to draw necessary boundaries and “make a stand.” I’m praying for you!
Dear Friend,
I am so sorry to hear about all the Churchianity you have experienced. (Great name by the way! :). I am not surprised you have no interest in returning to a church that treats people this way.
I was also treated badly by my church. I chose to change churches – a few times. Now I am in an amazing, loving church.
I have other friends who where spiritually abused along with abused by their spouse. They also can’t bear to walk into a church. Sad. But, I don’t say they aren’t Christians. I still love them and remain their friends. We share life together.
I hope one day you will feel some real love from some real Christ followers. Nevertheless, you are still loved by God. He wants the best for you. He cares for you. You are not walking alone.
Blessings to you! Caroline
I’m so glad you’ve found an amazing church! Hearing that can lend hope to those of us who still haven’t. 🙂 Hugs, my friend!
Hugs to you too!
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I sometimes think of regular church attendance as being “on something” and “getting a fix.” This substance alters one’s perception and makes them think that they’re they kindest, most compassionate beings saying the most comforting things that are written in the Bible. They’re falling back on their programming and they don’t get why others wouldn’t be comforted if God makes everything bad happen result in an ultimate good. Just like the story of Job, the whole reasoning for “why?” ends up in blaming Job for some horrible sin against God – because nothing else made sense to his friends. After all, to their way of thinking, Job’s wealth was a sign of God’s favor, Job’s poverty can only be proof of sin, a punishment and judgement against him. Given the prominence of prosperity gospel type teachings, a remnant of that ideas remains in church even today.
Only when withdrawal has been surpassed can one begin to think more clearly about the verses that were once floated around as comforting: “God has plans to prosper you …” That was right at the start of the Babylonian captivity, and sure, Daniel and others did fairly well, the average person in that time-frame was forcibly marched through the desert, given new homes and identities and their old lives were ripped apart from them. It would be generations before their descendants would be allowed to return home – most would never again set their eyes on the temple of God. But there’s also this extremely high view of God’s sovereignty, too – that nothing happens without his plan or permission and any suffering you go through God plans to turn into an ultimate good. I dunno – I think it sorts of sets them up treat people as a one-size-fits-all sort of situation. “Bible verse X is comforting, what’s wrong with you that you aren’t comforted by it?” They forget to honor the individual and respond to them where they’re at. Sometimes the best reaction you can give isn’t a Biblical defense for the theology of suffering, but a shoulder to cry on or friend to share joy with.
Amen! I think you’re exactly right regarding the best reaction! A shoulder to cry on or friend to share joy with. …. yes, yes, yes!
My sister, the Lord is the same One who kept company to whores and thieves, and the same One who got the adulteress out of the vengeful hands of the religious people. He is the same One who shows mercy, and who lifts the humble. He loves us and He loves you, more than those in the system will ever know. Continue to trust Him. He is with you now and every moment. Babylon is about to be judged. Stay in the freedom the father has brought you to.
❤
Psalm 147:3
Hello yes finally I can have true fellowship with the body who suffers against this people that rule over this organization my family and I got hurt to we lost a step daughter and we know now that no one has compassion cuz they didn’t care Pharisees and scribes that what they teach no love only Christ cares ou he is faithful God BLESS you MY true family in Jesus name my name is Juan Aguiniga come out of this place places n organizations and come to jesus Christ with your whole brokenness he cares
I too have stopped going to church because of its legalistic attitude. I’m sorry you had to deal with this very cruel, but common problem.
I’ve been in an emotionally abusive marriage for nearly 30 years. About 10 years ago I tried to talk to a pastor I trusted about my situation. I didn’t realize I was being abused at the time, I just knew something was horribly wrong. He virtually ignored everything I said and told me to just, “go home and obey your husband.” If he had really listened to me and not had his head so stuck up his legalistic a–, I might have gotten out of this much sooner and saved myself from even more years of abuse.
I only have one friend. When I tried to talk to her about the abuse recently, she blamed me for it. She sees my husband maybe 2 or 3 times a year and of course, he’s always on his best behavior then. She also responded with many of the churchianity cliches that were no help at all. I realize she is ignorant of what emotional abuse is all about, so I can forgive her hurtful comments. But, it does make me feel so very alone in all of the crap I’m going through.
My family is several states away and busy with their own lives. They love my husband so much too and think he’s the greatest thing since sliced bread. My sister tells me frequently that if I would just do, “x, y or z, then my marriage would be fine.” They just don’t get it.
My adult son lives nearby, but he’s in denial about the effects of the abuse I’ve suffered on his own life. He’s in denial about the abuse he suffered directly from his tyrannical, abusive father because there were so many “good” times. He is a confirmed atheist and hates anything to do with God. My husband was never a believer (though he faked it for a little while) and passed it on to our son.
I know I am saved and Who saved me, that’s all that really matters. I admit, I’ve been in a spiritual desert for a few years now, but my faith is still firm & strong. I am getting help. I’m getting divorced. There’s a tough road ahead, but at least I can face the future with a grain of hope now. I no longer contemplate suicide every day. I don’t know if I’ll ever go back to organized church.
Thank you for your posts. They are very helpful to me. You’re a survivor, stay strong!
I am so incredibly sorry! I completely understand! My four adult children have turned their backs on my God because they watched me pray to Him their entire lives, and He never saved us from our abuser. They don’t trust Him. It is a long, hard, lonely road, BUT the worst day getting out is infinitely better than the best day trapped in an abusive marriage. Other people just don’t get it. We need each other, other survivors, who do get it, who have walked our path, who are walking our path. I’m praying for you!
I would encourage you not to go back to pulpit and pew church for many more reasons than legalism or lack of compassion.
1. They will consume 84% of what they “give” just to buy a hired pastor and a special building. (Leadership Journal’s article on “normal church budgeting”.
2. Their “habit” of “meeting together” is the strict platform driven in strict one way communication. This is the exact opposite of God’s inspired instructions for “meeting together”. “Let us consider how we can stir up one another to love and good works, not giving up the habit of meeting but encouraging one another, and all the more as we see the day approaching.
3. The teacher practices lecturing the Bible i in perpetual dependency rather than “fully training” his students to “be like him”. Luke 6:40.
There are 58 “one another” instructions in the NT that you can practice anywhere with other believers. Lk10.com has a very practical course called Church 101 that helps you practice church-of-two. “One another” is at least two. Spread the word. God’s Word is on your side regarding real church.
Wow! Thank you! I hadn’t heard of Lk10.com and can’t wait to check it out!
This is just a fantastic story and it is actually wonderful to hear the truth spoken (written) , that I have so often thought myself. I have not entered a “church” building for several years , for many of the same reasons as you. So refreshing to hear someone tell it like it is. I have found that walking away from the system has made me closer to Jesus than ever , and that is a relationship I will never give up for a pew seat.
Thank you so much! I LOVE the strength, love, and determination I hear in your tone! Your last line is simply perfect! Amen!
The “church” – and all those who lord over their brothers and sisters in spite of Christ’s command that it shall not be so among you (Mt. 20:25-26, etc.) – does not realize how much 2 Tim. 3:1-7 applies to them. The self-love with which so many present themselves at the altar of Christ and God only contradicts the selfless love of those who truly follow the Lamb wherever He leads them. Jesus still says that it is godly, selfless love (genuine agape) for one another that identifies His true disciples. I pray that you may continue to be His true disciple and that you will also find His true disciples in your life, the ones and twos He places around you so that He can be in your midst. Please pray the same for me and my family. We have as much trouble being and finding real disciples as you do! Be blessed in His love!!!
Thank you! Amen, Brother! Your comment was the breath of fresh air I needed today and put a smile on my face. It’s so comforting to hear from others who are also battling this.
Yes, I will definitely pray for you and yours as well! Until we all finally meet on that glorious day…….
We’ve been out of the “church” for over 20 years and we try to connect with each new wave of people making their exodus. If you’d like to chat more personally with me and my wife, send me an email through my website. I’d love to see how we might encourage one another. Just google my name and you’ll find it. Don’t feel obligated to leave this reply on your blog! ;o)
In His love,
Neil
Someone can get lost trying to navigate the church scene. For example, what are we looking for in a church. What does the service look like and how we might fit in. Can we make any good community contacts or business contacts. Some wonder about neighborhood safety, parking, and an amenable schedule of activities.
Myself, I don’t care about these things. I call myself a follower of Jesus which is the Crux of Christianity. When I start hearing about pastors, committees, a guild, or membership I’m gone. If someone is telling me about bands, laser shows, or the expresso bar I just about puke. Last time we went to something like that we sat in someone else’s seat, where they always sit according to them. They launched into what I thought was the business meeting they hallelujah’d about all the fundraisers in their network of church buildings throughout the US. We left after an hour or so. I discovered why Nicolai Lenin would say churches hinder growth but he decided not to persecute them since church goers had a false hope that could be exploited. Besides, Jesus never commanded anybody to build a building and call it God’s house. I abandoned what I see is called churchianity. I just follow Jesus example and be done with it.
Looking at the history of the Christian movement by and of Christ I’m seeing where it died out soon after the death of the apostle Paul. Upon the rock where Jesus said he would build his Church. This passage in the Gospel has been misinterpreted and misapplied. Most people picture a group of builders out there constructing a building they call God’s house, contrary to scripture. They picture the ornate temples much like those of the pharasees. There is a lot of religious activity which is just that, religious activity. The AA style God as we understand him who is a human construct is vaguely referenced. Tithing is stressed when the newcomer, usually a small town successful business owner has been thoroughly love bombed. Minorities are usually directed to that other church building. I’m not impressed by the long winded prayer or the justifying scripture that is calculated to show me I don’t measure up or some kind of false whatever. I quit going to such places but I still hungered for the word of God. I read and learned and see where I’m quite young my walk with Christ. I never heard anything about deliverance in church. My walk is quiet and I have few companions. The road is narrow and yes I’m persecuted by the same types who crucified Jesus. He would never have been crucified if he presided over today’s religious community.