My family of origin described to me as weak and incapable of standing up for myself. That is supposedly the reason I was denied any inheritance. I could not be trusted to hold on to and manage family property because I’d let people talk me into anything. And, take things from me (like they did?).
I still often hear that I should take my ex back to court for a myriad of reasons. It’s ridiculous how much he’s gotten away with, and I need to protect my kids. They shouldn’t be forced to go on visitation with their abuser. I need to report the continued break ins and vandalism. He should be paying more child support. I can’t just sit here and “let” him get away with everything.
The thing is, for me, I am weary of fighting. I’ve been fighting my entire life. I’ve been fighting for my right to sleep, to eat, to have friends, to get to keep my panties on, to keep the money I earn. You name it. I’ve fought for my basic human rights my entire life. And, I’m just plain tired. I don’t want to fight anymore.
And, yet, daily I do still fight.
Every morning I wake up exhausted to fight the good fight of keeping my kids on track emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Every morning I head off to work to fight the fight of earning another dollar when I need to earn ten. Most days, all day long, I fight to maintain my dignity while being treated like a character from “The Help.” Every afternoon I arrive home to fight to get bills paid, meals cooked, laundry done, children educated, animals tended and protected, wood brought in, and clients scheduled–a full days’ work–in the matter of a few hours.
I fight those battles because those are the battles I choose because, for some reason, I, perhaps falsely, believe those are battles I can eventually win.
I just loathe interpersonal battles. I’d rather walk away and deal with things on my own than fight some stubborn, narcissistic, pretentious aggressor. They can think they’re right. They’re going to anyway! Going toe to toe with them only weakens me for the real battles that I must fight. I’ve been chastised for not correcting them as is my Christian duty. We aren’t to shrink back I’m told. We have to cast light on sin.
These people who love to argue and fight and cause drama and strife disregard scripture that says it’s okay for me to just let it go and shake the proverbial dust off of my feet.
I was discussing all of this with someone I went to high school with. Though I haven’t shared a lot with him of what I’ve been through since high school, he seems aware of it. I’m sure there is talk in this small town and our mutual friends “catch” people up on others’ lives. I want to share with you what he said to me. We all need to hear this. We need someone to encourage us and remind us that most would have broken if they’d had to endure what we’ve endured. I received his words, and I’m speaking them to you today. This morning, take these words into your heart. Say them out loud to yourself, inserting your own name in the blank.
“Seeking peace and avoiding confrontation is certainly NOT a weakness, ____________! Losing control is easy, while maintaining one’s control demonstrates an inner strength that too many people just don’t seem to have, as the adversarial Facebook experts on “everything” continue to show us!! Too many people ENJOY the thrill of conflict, but I’m with you….I prefer the peace and tranquility when I can find it…(and some cheeseburgers)….ANYDAY!! You are a smart and beautiful woman, ____________….but you are most certainly NOT weak!! ”
May you have a peaceful and restful Sunday, my sweet, strong Survivor Sisters! ❤