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Well, the landlord finally did it.  He finally sent that pesky 60 day no cause eviction notice.  As of yesterday, I am six weeks away from being homeless.  I hate this house.  I’ve hated being stuck here with the memories of abuse, the memories of my ex, and other vile memories of hurtful words spoken and despicable deeds committed.  I hate the spirit that resides over this property.  But, it’s a place to keep my belongings.  It’s a place to come back at the end of each day.  As bad as it is, it is something.  And, soon, I’ll have nothing.

I’m scared.

I’ve tried every loan program out there.  I’ve spoken or met with three different loan brokers at two different mortgage companies.  I’ve come close to hope a couple of times but each time I’ve been dashed against the rocks like an unwanted, used up, empty glass bottle.

No portion of child support can be counted as income because it does not come on time, each month, in full.  My wealthy uncle first said he would cosign but then refused to contact the lender and has ignored me, even going as far as to not pay me for cleaning for him.

My daughter has flat-out refused to foster my animals or allow me to use my mother’s property, the property that should have been mine, for storage or to stay on temporarily.  She has made it very clear that she does not care if we end up living in my car and the kids are forced to give up their pets.

I feel alone, abandoned.

I’ve looked for rentals, at rentals…..but they are overpriced and/or under maintained.  One didn’t even have a doorknob on the back door.  It simply had two old scraps of plywood on nails that turned vertical to open the door or horizontal to “lock” it.  There are very few rentals available here, as the Californians continue to flock to the my state in droves and others, from other states, come here seeking the wealth and high of marijuana grows.

And, I’ve fielded more messages than I can count.  A couple of messages have been from extremely helpful friends offering Plan B, Plan C, and, in one case, even their own home.  But, some have been from people I barely know, claiming to just want to help me, asking me prying questions and offering their wisest suggestions that actually imply stupidity on my part.  Rather than seeking to know me and understand my problems, they have presumed to know more than I about my life and imagine that the reason I’m here is because I haven’t thought of whatever it is they think is the grand solution.  Some have assumed I’m being kicked out because I didn’t pay my rent.  A couple have offered grocery money.  One suggested I apply for emergency money from the state to pay my rent.

I’ve felt insulted and just want to throw my phone at the wall.

I ask for prayer.  A LOT.  God owns the cattle on a thousand hills.  He owns the house I currently live in.  And, He owns whatever I end up in.  It’s all His.  I ask that others petition on my behalf, asking Him to allow me temporary claim to a home.  Some place a landlord can’t raise the rent or fail to do repairs or kick me out.  A place where the children and I can rest.  And, heal.

One woman messaged me that she prayed for me and felt strongly that the Lord is moving behind the scenes on my behalf.  I later found out that a government loan agency employee was, at about that time, asking the state director to consider my case a priority due to the condition of this house.  He agreed.  We are now at the top of the list for a subsidized loan.  There is no guarantee I’ll be approved.  It certainly would not happen before I’m evicted, if it happens at all.  But, it’s hope.  Yet, I’m afraid to hope.  I’ve cycled through hope and utter despair countless times over the last few months.

But, hope is all I have.  I don’t sleep well and have lost quite a bit of weight.  My chest aches.  But, I MUST force myself to believe there is hope for me here in the land of the living.  God did not bring me this far to leave me now.  I have to remember that it is always darkest before the dawwn….certainly my dawn must be just below the horizon.  I can’t see it yet, but the sun must rise eventually.