I haven’t posted in quite some time. I’ve started and stopped and trashed more posts than I can recall. My last post was negative and condemning, full of harsh judgments. It stood to destroy your opinion of New Man, and several people left comments of support and encouragement as I determined to break things off with a potential new abuser.
I deeply appreciate your love and kindness! I do!
But, I don’t always deserve your well intentioned, love filled, yet blind, support. I don’t.
The break up I last blogged about only lasted a week. (I deleted that post.) With much trepidation I took him back and have continued with the relationship. And, in these last few months I’ve faced some hard truths about myself.
When my abuser first left, I had a conversation with another survivor wherein we both declared an unabashed commitment to remain soft and gentle and to forbid abuse to harden us. We did not want to become jaded. We sincerely wanted to retain those parts of ourselves that initially, most likely, attracted our abusers to us and made us vulnerable to being used. Something happened along the way though as I got stronger and became more determined to make it on my own……I did become hard.
New Man is human, and he has many faults. But, my description of them, my interpretation of them, was not fair to him. I held him accountable, not only for his mistakes, but also for the crimes of my abuser. And, I made excuses for my own faults. I justified myself. In doing so, I closed myself off to the dangers of intimacy and the iron sharpening iron that is a necessary byproduct of intense intimacy.
No one was going to hurt me.
God would convict me of my wrongdoings. No human was going to play that role in my life.
And, I guarded my heart and my life from relationship. From love.
True love holds a mirror up before us and refines us. It isn’t always pleasant. Growing pains are just that….. painful. But, true love holds us and accepts us as it confronts us.
I used to say that I had been a good wife to a bad man; I knew I could be a great wife to a good man. But, I refused to be good to New Man, truly good, because of how the abuser had responded to my kindness and gentleness. That wasn’t fair.
The last few months have been months of growth that I’m eager to share. I’m ready to break my silence. I want to share how it feels to truly let go of anger and fear and to trust God and a New Man…..and, face my own humanity and selfish, sinful nature.