I’ve struggled to write for so long now. I’ll begin and edit and delete and begin and edit and delete some more. And, then I just walk away. My first year of marriage has been a rollercoaster. How do I share that with my readers? It’s not fair to ask others to join me in this emotional chaos. One day I’m crazy in love, and the next day I hate him. I’ve printed divorce papers three times and purchased a house with him. I’ve sought legal advice and am attending marriage counseling through our church. It’s been awful. And, wonderful. And, then worse. And, then better.
Some of it, a lot of it, has been him. He has been unemployed for the entire first ten months of our marriage. He has wasted the largest portion of his retirement on marijuana and booze. He’s spent untold hours playing video games and ignoring his responsibilities as a husband and step-father. He has talked incessantly about his ex and called me by her name more times than I care to remember. I have every reason to divorce him. And, my church supports me in doing so. But, as a believer in Jesus Christ, I still need to remove the log from my own eye, and I’ve got a few.
I refuse to make excuses for any man ever again. Not after what the abuser did. So, I’ve held New Man to task for Every. Single. Little. Thing. He has done wrong…..and then some. I hold him accountable for what I THINK he has done and what I THINK he means by what he says. I have flat out refused to give him space to grow and time to recover. In my anger I’ve done unthinkable things I thought I was incapable of doing. In my anger! I’m not just hurt as a new wife that he hasn’t lived up to what he promised me or what I thought this was going to be like. I’m ANGRY. I’m so pissed off that I can feel my blood pressure rise and my heart rate increase from 0 to 60. I’ve wondered sometimes if this is what my abuser felt. This intense, hot, violent resentment. I’ve HATED New Man.
I’ve hated him for what he’s done because I believed in him so much, because I was so head over heals in love with him. I loved him passionately and with such a terrible longing that I’ve only felt once before, and that time it lasted for over 30 years until the day that man died. I believed in the immense possibilities of a life together loving the Lord and each other in this fun filled, electrifying friendship of ours. But, he let me down. New Man let me down with a hard, earth shattering crash. My heart broke as it was hurled to the ground.
As I stood on the brink of divorce thinking about the epic adventures we shared and the lifelong dreams that seemed so nearly fulfilled, I had to make a choice. Do I divorce him, as my attorney, my friends, my children, and my church tell me to? Or, do I try counseling? A last ditch effort to see if he has one shred of care or concern for me in him?
Chide me if you will. I’m a lifelong victim and can’t be trusted to make my own decisions. I know, I know. I give people chances when they don’t deserve it to my own detriment. It’s what I did with my mother. And, with my abuser. It’s what I do……punishing myself for never being good enough. But, what if? What if he actually is just as damaged as I am? What if he is actually, like me, just a simple sinner in need of a Savior and the love of God wrapped in flesh?
My foolish “giving in” has given me new insight and new perspective into this new husband the Lord provided for me. But, it has shown me more about myself. I’m angry. I’m pissed off at my ungrateful children and my cold, mentally ill mother and my cruel and psychotic ex husband, but I’m pretending I’ve risen above it all and have conquered my pain. I’m a SURVIVOR now. Hear me roar. The truth is I’m as fake and phoney as those I say I stand in direct opposition of because I haven’t risen above any of it. I’ve buried it. The truth is I’m pissed!!!! And, standing naked and unashamed before another human being in holy matrimony has exposed those ugly parts of me I’ve pretended don’t even exist. I can’t relate to him or understand him or extend grace to him while I’m being eaten alive by this insatiable resentment. I’ve accused New Man of being a hypocrite and a liar, but I am, too. Marriage is a mirror, and I do not like his reflection.
Some may think I’m falling into old patterns of behavior by “trying” to make a marriage work with someone who has done, or failed to do, the things New Man has done, and failed to do. I’m actually stepping out into brave new territory. I’m actually bolder now, by staying with him and extending him grace and ALLOWING THE UGLY PARTS OF MYSELF TO BE EXPOSED TO HIM, than I ever was as a militantly defiant single woman. We are facing each other in shame and embarassment with all of our wounds exposed for the other to see. We can choose to say it’s okay, I accept you as you are. Or, we can walk away in unforgiveness and basically say to each other that our past accusers and abusers were right. We’re not worth the effort.
Not this time. This time, he and I will hold on tightly and, looking into each other’s eyes, say that you, in all of your brokenness, were created in the image of a Holy God and I see Him reflected in your being. Where it feels dark and cold, I choose to hope for light and a future. I choose you, as I believe you are God’s best for me. For better or for worse.