Tags
abuse, divorce, domestic violence, family of origin, fear and anxiety, friendship, guilt and shame, hope, personal growth, self worth
My son’s barber was tired and loopy with back pain. He was getting silly and seemed to be rambling. He began to tell us a story about a girl who just happened to walk past the shop, but he trailed off talking about her mom and the mom’s boyfriend.
The boyfriend kicked the mom’s door in a few months ago. With a tremendous amount of disdain, the barber shared about the man’s abusive behavior.
“But, she keeps taking him back!” he said with an equal amount of disdain.
I like this barber. He’s a nice guy. He’s been cutting my boys’ hair for years, and I’ve grown to care about him. He’s just ignorant and can’t believe what he’s seeing firsthand, perhaps for the first time. A time will come when I can share with him that this woman needs support and help, not ridicule, but the time wasn’t today. Not when he was so out of it.
He’s just ignorant.
But, ya know, ignorance seems to abound.
I complained on Facebook today. I know. I know. If you’re going to air your dirty laundry in a public forum like that, you’re kind of asking for it. And, I did.
I must be ignorant as well.
A young woman responded to my Facebook disclosure with her own ignorant suggestion/solution and then finally asked why my children and I can’t fall the trees on our property.
Um, I don’t know how. You don’t just take a chainsaw out in the woods and start cutting down large, old growth timber when you don’t know what you’re doing. I don’t have the physical strength. My children are, um, children. It’s not legal for them to even run a chainsaw. Can you imagine if R got wind of that? What if one of them got hurt?
This young woman has had three babies in three years by two different guys and appears to think welfare is a career choice. And, she’s asking me why don’t I just fall my own trees? I wanted to scream back in all caps and ask her why she doesn’t just get a job. I wanted to remind her that I’m tired at the end of the day from that concept that is so foreign to her….work. I really wanted to mention that it is my tired, old body that is paying for her to sit on her butt all day, dishing out unwanted advice to people twice her age.
She’s just ignorant.
But, this seems to be the normative response whenever I vent, blow off steam, complain, or share.
I’ve received legal advice from a hair dresser who knew “for a fact” how the divorce process/custody battle goes though she’s still married to her high school sweetheart.
I’ve been told to just turn our lifestyle upside down in order to give myself “a break.”
I’ve been flat out told that I’m being overprotective, a bad Christian, and judgmental because I’m still trying to home school my children when I “need” to just put them in school. Of course, they knew better than I what my real motivation is for teaching my own children.
I’ve been told I need to pursue HUD housing. To get a new attorney. To get a restraining order NOW against R. To just move. To get a new counselor for my son. To just learn all the new skills I need to survive without a husband, father, brother, or neighbor; it’s easy.
I must be ignorant.
Because everyone knows someone who did those things or got those things or qualified for those things. I’m not, and I’m complaining; therefore, I must be ignorant and in need of someone to tell me what to do. These things are so glaringly obvious to them. Why else would I not know to fix my problems with their solutions? I must be ignorant!
Yet, it is their ignorance that is so glaringly obvious to me.
I’m not ignorant. I spent my childhood being sexualized in numerous ways, beaten, starved, and ridiculed. And, I still managed to remain at the top of my class up until high school. I was a single, pregnant mother with two small children and working full time when I graduated community college with a 3.82 GPA, Phi Theta Kappa, National Dean’s List.
I raised and home schooled my children while working and barely surviving in an extremely violent marriage. Two of those children have Bachelor’s degrees and have gone on to pursue graduate degrees. The third started his own small business. The fourth, the currently rebellious, driving-me-nuts kid, took a preliminary test for the Navy and scored high enough that he can pretty much do anything he wants in the Navy except nuke. I taught them all. Without help. Without so much as a tutor.
I’m not an ignorant woman.
I could, in my limited time, sit and explain to every single ignorant person why their solution wouldn’t work. What I’ve already learned to be true. What the horrible consequences of such action could potentially be. But, they don’t want to hear it. They just want to spout their self perceived knowledge and see me follow their wise advice.
No more.
Now, I purge. I’d never unfriended anyone on Facebook until a couple of weeks ago. So far, in the past two weeks, I’ve unfriended six people. I’m done.
I don’t mind answering questions. And, I welcome friendly, considerate advice. But, there’s a difference between respectfully asking why I’m not on the HUD list and telling me that I need to go get on it.
It takes me back to the barber this afternoon. “But, she keeps taking him back!” They all, those who treat me this way, seem to be saying that I’ve already proven my ignorance because I stayed. I took him back. I’ve proven that I’m incapable of making an intelligent decision because I chose to stay in a violent marriage.
May I explain? Will you listen thoughtfully?
It wasn’t because I’m ignorant.
I felt trapped. I had no one to turn to, no support system. He’d threatened to take the baby from me as soon as it was born. My family sided with him against me. He saddled me with his debt. For years I didn’t even have a car. I couldn’t go to town, let alone leave him. I was afraid.
But, why didn’t I leave when he got arrested in 2007?
My brilliant first born son and I had worked our asses off to get him accepted into a private university with a very prestigious scholarship. No small feat for a home schooled kid from the mountain. We were in debt, and I was nursing a one year old. I hadn’t worked in five years. My son was set to leave for college five weeks before R got arrested. And, we’d made a $300 a month tuition commitment.
I knew that if I left him then, I’d be as broke and desperate as I am now. And, my son could kiss his opportunity for college goodbye.
I took R back solely because my son needed that dependable income to take advantage of the wonderful chance he was being offered. And, I believed that R would mind his P’s and Q’s now that he’d been arrested. I thought he would change with help from the MATVA classes, which he did, for awhile.
I’m not ignorant. I may be unfortunate. I may be cursed. I may be desperate. I may be fleshly minded. I may be a lot of things. But, I didn’t get here because I’m ignorant. And, I’m not struggling still because I’m ignorant.
Life can be brutal. It can kick us and maim us. It can damn near kill us.
I envy the ignorance of those who live off of the government or who have lived their lives on the solid foundation of a loving family or who have enjoyed the love of one good man for thirty years.
That isn’t my story.
Mine is a story full of sadness, tiredness, regrets, and loss. But, it isn’t a portrait of my ignorance. It is a tapestry of survival skills and resilience. It is a declaration that I am not ignorant, for an ignorant child or woman could not have thought up the tactics I did in order to survive.
Let my very survival prove that I must not be ignorant.
anewfreelife 
Yep!! So many words, log jam in my mind.
Those who offer advice without thinking really are ignorant. They don’t take into account all the crap that has gone before, nor do they recognize a rant for what it is – screaming into the Universe because at this moment life is just too much to bear.
You don’t need advice – you know where you’ve been and where you’re going and what your options are. Only you can make those hard choices and I applaud you for making sure your children come first, even in the face of very difficult circumstances. Carry on. You’re doing fine 🙂
Awwww, thank you! Thank you so much! Hugs!
I have often questioned my decisions regarding my ex and our son, but I know that in my heart, my decisions were based on what I thought was best for him overall. Yes, I received lots of advice from family and friends, but in the end, I was the one who had to decide between the lesser of two evils sometimes and live with the decisions I made. I had a point where I could have been done living with her for good, but he needed her as his mom at 3 or 4 and when she asked to come back home, I let her come back, and she stayed until he was almost 9. We were both more than ready to be living apart again by then. I got her an apartment and her own car and helped move all her stuff.
I think people who have not been through stuff like this just think they know what they would do, but until they walk in those shoes, they are clueless. I look back at all that has happened and see better in retrospect how things weave together in God’s grand tapestry. I commend you for having the courage and conviction and determination to follow the path you are on. It’s certainly no easy path. Your faith and actions have inspired all of us. Your openness and willingness to share your heart and life experiences with us has meant so much to me.
Oh, thank you so much, Brian! Those are precious words of encouragement.
Yes, we’re the ones who have to live with the fallout. And, sometimes there just isn’t a good answer. It is merely the lesser of two evils.
I’m so glad that you are in a better place now, a place where you can see His beautiful tapestry in your life. .
I, too, have been through all the ‘simple’ advice when life was so much more complicated than anyone who wasn’t living my life could possibly imagine. I stayed for 37 1/2 years until he left me by dying. NOW I am old but finding me and living MY life after raising 7 kids. And I am happy!!! You can understand – so I don’t worry about those who can’t. We all do what we have to do in the situations we are in at the time. That is not stupidity – that is intelligence and life!!!
Hallelujah! I’m so glad that you are HAPPY! What a testimony for all of us still longing for a happy day!
Wonderfully put…”when life was so much more complicated than anyone who wasn’t living my life could possibly imagine.” Boy, ain’t that the truth?!
You go, girl! I think it’s very good that you’re purging those kinds of people from Facebook. You don’t need that kind of negative energy, the kind that makes you feel like you have to explain yourself. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. To just keep truckin’ must be hard enough as it is. Hang in there, hon.
It is so hard, and they feel like heavy weights dragging on my feet as I’m trying to climb a mountain with one hand. Thank you for the encouragement! 🙂
That’s a good analogy. Cut ’em loose.
My chest swelled with pride for you at the end of your post. You got this. You are a survivor.
When our finances were at their worst people kept telling me I should babysit, open a day care, go get a job. Blah blah blah. If any of those things had been options I would have already been doing one of them. My husband is a good man but babies are way out of his comfort zone. I tried returning to work weeks after our 2nd child was born. Night shift at Walmart, it was the only job in our area that didn’t conflict with his and I was not trusting any daycare or babysitter with my children. Two nights in a row he called me only a couple hours into my shift J. would not stop crying he didn’t know what to do. I had to go home (I was nursing and she would not take a bottle for him). The second night I told them they should just take me off the schedule.
As for babysitting I am sadly short on patience and attention. Everyone that suggested it thought they were helping me. It really only frustrated me. We got through it. Using our own wits and my determination. My mantra for years was
“Just do what needs doing.”
You did everything that you felt you had to do in order to raise your kids the best way that you could.
Considering that you were not given the tools to be a good parent through the example of your own parents I believe you are doing an amazing job. A job far beyond what anyone should be expecting of you.
I admire your ability to home school your kids. Even if I were not working I could not get through a day of home schooling my kids. I can barely get through house cleaning or homework with them.
All of those people are ignorant of what it is like to live your life.
Thank you so much! You are so incredibly sweet! 🙂 That’s what I really need–people telling me I’ve got this. I can do this. That spurns me on!
Yes! We all have different gifts. It’s important to recognize our particular giftings and go with it. Following someone else’s advice that would fit well for their personality and their life would just further our misery. Not that I’m not willing to work outside my comfort zone. But, honestly, when we’re in dire straits, we’re already living well outside our comfort zone! It’s miserable! We need INDIVIDUALIZED, WORKABLE solutions.
I really believe in home schooling. It’s something I feel really called to do. But, there is a harsher side to it, too. My ex would love for me to give it up. Even last night on the phone, he was drilling E in such a way that it was obvious he was trying to make E discontent with how boring E’s life is as a home schooler. E finally blurted out something he’s doing next weekend, sharing information he didn’t want to share with his dad. That brought about even more condescending questions. And, then he started in on J, “You’d like going to school, wouldn’t you?” J kept yelling, “I’m home schooled!” J finally yelled, “Never mind! I give up! I’m not going on visitation with you anymore! It’s done!” To that R responded, “I CAN see you, but if you don’t want to see me I’m not going to force you.” While he was saying that he wouldn’t force J, he was also letting J know that he has his RIGHT to. With his tone it came across a bit threatening.
I have to wonder–I fear–that if I were to put the kids in school for just one year while I worked full time and got the debt all paid off, would he take me back to court, seeking joint custody or more visitation? After all, he can drive them to school or put them on a bus as well as I. I’ve always home schooled them. By continuing to home school them I’m providing them with an ounce of security and stability via the familiarity of that huge part of their lives. And, it’s obviously something that R is working against. He has some reason. Besides, the kids want to continue home schooling. They enjoy it. They’ve lost so much already and had their little lives turned completely upside down. It’s one little bit of a rhythm of normal life for them that I can provide. That’s a huge factor that those people are overlooking.
If the kids enjoy it keep doing it. If they enjoy it you are good at it. Give them the stability. You are right, they need something they can rely on. Oh and I may have watched one to many after school specials but, at the school yard is a prime location for parents without custody to kidnap their children. Keep them safe, keep them close; it will keep you and them feeling better and safer. Right now I think it’s what you all need. From where I stand if R wants it to happen that’s good enough reason not to do it.
Anew, I too have been asked why I did not leave sooner. Yes, I should have left years ago as I read through all my notes I have jotted down over time. But for 16 years I put up with the verbal, emotional abuse. Belittled, degraded, cussed at, accused, just about everything you can think of but it fell short of physical abuse because then there was proof. I had 3 small children, homeschooling them, and only working 2 days a week, I did not see a way out at all. I kept praying for God to show me a way out. I kept forgiving him and saying to myself that just maybe this time he will change. We had a lot of credit card debt and knew that I could not pay it all off by myself, not even half of it if I went for a divorce. My kids and I called the cops a total of 5 times at different intervals in the situation but they always said that the only way they can do anything was if one of us was physically hurt. They even came into the house and saw evidence of a fight. One time they said that he had to leave for the evening, but it was terrifying not knowing what time he would come back. When he did show up at 6 am the next day (it was a Saturday) I was shaking, not knowing what to do. I eventually faced my fears and just gave him another chance. In 2006 I added up all the credit card debt and it came to $76,000. And it got there by just living off of the credit cards. I decided to cut them all up, called a debt consolidation company, and they helped me get lower interest rates. I started making those payments, living with the verbal abuse, trying to raise 3 kids the best way I can, and told myself that I would persevere until the debt was paid and seek a way of escape. In 2008 I was offered a full time job at a CPA’s office. Two years before the debt was to be paid my ex decided to quit his job. He was 50 and thought it was time for him to retire and do his own thing. That is when things got much worse. He hardly gave me any money toward bills and told me to go dig out the money I am hording somewhere. I finally went and applied for food stamps for just 6 months to get me through a short time. The government gave me $286 a month to feed all 6 of us for a month, and with the help of friends and my parents we were able to pay our bills. I called and spoke to my pastor and he said that I had to talk to his wife. I met her at Panera Bread Company for coffee and told her what was going on. She proceeded to tell me that I had no right to talk about my husband in that manner and that I had to sit down, shut up and take it. She also told me that my kids had no right to come to ma and complain about what their dad was saying and how he was talking to them. I would be in the kitchen and hear yelling outside. I would go out int the garage and hear how he was telling my son, while my 13 year old son was sitting beside a car doing a brake job, how useless and fat he was and that he did not know anything and was stupid. I got so mad I told him that he was never allowed to talk to my son that way ever again. There were times when my son would come in the house after just having gone outside to help his dad and come right back in and said that he never wanted to have anything to do with his dad. I knew that he had been yelled at and belittled. It got to the point that my kids were asking if we could please let their father leave or they were leaving. in June of 2012 the Lord opened up the door for us to make a move. Ex attacked me and tried to shove money down my throat, pinning me to the bed, repeating the statement that he hoped that the money tasted good. I finally yelled loud enough for the kids to hear me upstairs, I got free and started calling the cops. My son came running downstairs with his BB gun telling his dad that he better stop or else. The cops finally showed up and was talking to both of us when one cop noticed my lip bleeding. As ex was shoving the money into my mouth he cut my lip. That is when they said that they were taking him to jail. We had 3 days to get to a safe house, my friend and my brother and his family showed up to help us get what we needed right away and moved us to a furnished apartment the Lord supplied us that still had 1 week left before it was turned back to management. That gave us enough time to get beds and other furniture the next few days and move into a house that a friend let us use for about 2 months. His dad bailed ex out of jail after 3 days and he stayed with them, and that is where he is to this day. I got an order of protection for 1 year as soon as I could. Very few people knew or even know what is happening as I do not want to be the talk of the town. But the ones that do know, ask why I stayed so long. I tell them that the door had not opened up til l the end of June 2012 and I had a financial dilemma to work out first. A few of my friends saw first handed what I was going through as he did not care that they were even there when he started acting up. I had to act fast, but I was prepared and I had a game plan ready for when that happened. The Lord has opened up so many doors for me since, and answered questions before the question was even asked. I keep reading things on facebook and “a cry for justice” that I know I did the right thing and must not look back. Just look forward knowing God will take care of us. We have come a long way and my kids are doing great. They are 16, 15 and 13. They have to see their dad every other weekend. I have sole custody, and he does not have to pay any child support as during mediation I kept the equity in my house in lieu of child support. He always threatened that if I left that he would rather live under a bridge than give me any child support, said that I could not get along without him. Well I proved him wrong and continuing to do so. He keeps trying to get to me through the kids by telling them that they had to convince me to take him back, but what he does not realize is that they do not want him here just with us as much as I do not want him here. But I found that people with advice do not know what others are going through and really do not have the right to give advice. They have a happy life and have not been abused on any form, that is another reason that I do not talk or tell my story to most people because they just do not understand.
Thank you so much for sharing your background! I know that’s hard, and I appreciate your openness. All I could think the entire time I was reading this is that you are an extremely intelligent woman who obviously looks at a situation from all angles and isn’t afraid to move on something once she’s determined the best route. You are to be commended!
You’re so right, those who have never been abused in any form don’t understand. They have had pain, none of us can escape difficulties in this life, but they’ve never been abused, so they can’t even begin to comprehend the complexities of our situations.
You stay strong! You have done so well! I am so proud of what all you’ve done!
For the most part, the friends and family that I have spoken to have either seen or know what I went through. Fortunately, my mom and dad were victims of him verbal abuse too, so they know what he is like. And my friends saw how he treated me. Some friends would sit in my house terrified, could not wait to get out and others refused to leave in concern that he would hurt me or the kids. Either way they stand behind me and are my rocks I count on to be strong. One of my awesome friends sticks to me as much as he can to make sure we are not in any danger and takes care of us. He is the most awesome person that I have ever met. You are very strong too. The posts I have read that you write I could tell you were also determined to make it, I would think what I would have done in those situations and it would not be pretty.