Cleaning, sorting, organizing, hosting, visiting, eating, receiving…..I have felt “normal” and giddy over the last week and a half. Today, my world came crashing down in a moment. I’ll recover, but I feel shocked.
I drove to town in the unusually bright sun that glinted off the snow covered mountains. I needed a few small items to finish our upstairs organization project. As I pulled into the parking lot my vision began to fail and my heart began to race. Space and time seemed to have no meaning. I recognized the signs. I thought to myself, “Mind over matter. Muscle through! Don’t let it take you!”
So, I parked the car and sat for a moment trying to regain a little composure. I tried to squeeze the double vision from my eyelids. I found my list and pulled the keys from the ignition. I stared at the blue lanyard for what felt like an eternity. I don’t remember getting out of the car. I don’t remember forgetting to lock the door. The next thing I was aware of was my inability to lift my foot over the curb. I had no cognitive thoughts, just vague awareness.
Awareness came as I sensed my body suspended in mid air and heading for the concrete. I awoke. My new phone! God, no! Not my phone! With all of my might I tried to turn my body so that my purse would swing on top of me. It hit the sidewalk anyway. The skin from my left knuckles peeled off as I was still turning and slamming into the concrete at the same time. I had managed to flip around and land on my back, catching myself to some degree with my right wrist.
No one was around. I scrambled to a nearby abandoned shopping cart to check my precious new, expensive phone. I don’t have insurance on it. It was fine. I was bleeding.
I went on into the store, dazed and confused and throbbing. The checker seemed frustrated with me, so I must have been out of sorts. I don’t really know. It was all a blur. Turns out I failed to get half of the stuff on my list.
I texted a friend and my oldest son and then prayed my way home slowly and carefully.
Once home I asked one of my boys to get some protein for me to eat, and I laid down in front of the fire with the little two. When I awoke I felt better, but my eyeballs were completely bloodshot, like I’d been hit.
I hate these episodes. They are few and far between now, but I hate them anyway.
Why now? I am tired. I had court right before Christmas. There was lots of activity in the house, and we stayed up late and ate too much junk food. But, I’ve felt happy. So, why now?! It makes me angry!
Then, it hit me. January 1, 2011, eighteen days before I first “went down,” had my first “episode,” my husband tried to kill us all on the side of a snowy mountain on a sunny day. Does that have anything to do with why this struck today?
I can’t muscle through it no matter how hard I try. I can’t bring mind over matter philosophy and strength to this battle. It doesn’t work. It isn’t working. I set my jaw and am determined to survive, to thrive, to blossom. But, something, anything, the beautiful snowy mountains on a gorgeous sunny day, the first day of a new year filled with hope, triggers me and I’m down for the count.
I’ll be better in a few days. I’ll be unusually tired for the next couple of days and then will return to my new normal. That’s the pattern anyway. But, I’m so angry right now. I’m angry that my left hand hurts so bad. I’m angry that my back, right shoulder, and butt are throbbing and achy. I’m angry that my bliss and positive attitude were shattered by reminders of what he did to me.
I cry out, “Lord, You who gathered all matter together and formed the universe and tells us we can move mountains with our faith, give me the strength to move this snowy mountain out of my mind!”