Cleaning, sorting, organizing, hosting, visiting, eating, receiving…..I have felt “normal” and giddy over the last week and a half. Today, my world came crashing down in a moment. I’ll recover, but I feel shocked.
I drove to town in the unusually bright sun that glinted off the snow covered mountains. I needed a few small items to finish our upstairs organization project. As I pulled into the parking lot my vision began to fail and my heart began to race. Space and time seemed to have no meaning. I recognized the signs. I thought to myself, “Mind over matter. Muscle through! Don’t let it take you!”
So, I parked the car and sat for a moment trying to regain a little composure. I tried to squeeze the double vision from my eyelids. I found my list and pulled the keys from the ignition. I stared at the blue lanyard for what felt like an eternity. I don’t remember getting out of the car. I don’t remember forgetting to lock the door. The next thing I was aware of was my inability to lift my foot over the curb. I had no cognitive thoughts, just vague awareness.
Awareness came as I sensed my body suspended in mid air and heading for the concrete. I awoke. My new phone! God, no! Not my phone! With all of my might I tried to turn my body so that my purse would swing on top of me. It hit the sidewalk anyway. The skin from my left knuckles peeled off as I was still turning and slamming into the concrete at the same time. I had managed to flip around and land on my back, catching myself to some degree with my right wrist.
No one was around. I scrambled to a nearby abandoned shopping cart to check my precious new, expensive phone. I don’t have insurance on it. It was fine. I was bleeding.
I went on into the store, dazed and confused and throbbing. The checker seemed frustrated with me, so I must have been out of sorts. I don’t really know. It was all a blur. Turns out I failed to get half of the stuff on my list.
I texted a friend and my oldest son and then prayed my way home slowly and carefully.
Once home I asked one of my boys to get some protein for me to eat, and I laid down in front of the fire with the little two. When I awoke I felt better, but my eyeballs were completely bloodshot, like I’d been hit.
I hate these episodes. They are few and far between now, but I hate them anyway.
Why now? I am tired. I had court right before Christmas. There was lots of activity in the house, and we stayed up late and ate too much junk food. But, I’ve felt happy. So, why now?! It makes me angry!
Then, it hit me. January 1, 2011, eighteen days before I first “went down,” had my first “episode,” my husband tried to kill us all on the side of a snowy mountain on a sunny day. Does that have anything to do with why this struck today?
I can’t muscle through it no matter how hard I try. I can’t bring mind over matter philosophy and strength to this battle. It doesn’t work. It isn’t working. I set my jaw and am determined to survive, to thrive, to blossom. But, something, anything, the beautiful snowy mountains on a gorgeous sunny day, the first day of a new year filled with hope, triggers me and I’m down for the count.
I’ll be better in a few days. I’ll be unusually tired for the next couple of days and then will return to my new normal. That’s the pattern anyway. But, I’m so angry right now. I’m angry that my left hand hurts so bad. I’m angry that my back, right shoulder, and butt are throbbing and achy. I’m angry that my bliss and positive attitude were shattered by reminders of what he did to me.
I cry out, “Lord, You who gathered all matter together and formed the universe and tells us we can move mountains with our faith, give me the strength to move this snowy mountain out of my mind!”
anewfreelife 
I am so sorry sweetheart! I hate triggers with a passion too! I don’t have all the physical reactions you do, but I do get the racing heart, blurry vision, and anxious paranoid feeling. I will be praying for you my dear. I will be praying that your “new normal” is better then your last normal and that the mountains will be moved out of the way. I am angry right along with you! It is so unjust that our abusers are walking around without a care in the world while we carry the world on our shoulders. I take solace in the fact that our God is not an unjust God and they will pay for every one of our episodes in the end. I love you sweet big sis. Take care of yourself, you deserve to be pampered.
Thank you so much! Amen! He is just and this will not go unpunished though it sure seems to be for right now. I needed that reminder. Thank you, Sweetie, for refocusing me.
Hugs across many miles. Prayers.
Thank you!!!
Oh sis, how awful that was – both the original event 18 years ago, and the trauma that happen yesterday when you were triggered.
Wouldn’t it be nice if triggers sent little advance warning flags before they hit us? Then we could stay under the covers all day and eat chocolate!
You are a brave lady. And you are making progress. Each layer of the onion means a further step towards healing.
Have you read our post today on ACFJ? It is all about triggers. In fact, I’m going to put a link there right now to this post of yours.
Hugs to you
Thank you , Sweet Barb! Wow, I needed that encouragement. I feel like I’ve suddenly been thrown back a year and lost so much progress.
I haven’t seen the new post yet but will definitely read it on my lunch hour today. Thank you! Xoxo
Reblogged this on The Wordy Photographer.
Thank you. I’m always honored to be reblogged. : )
How scary! I’m glad you’re okay.
Thank you. It is kinda scary. The aftermath is always kind of a shock to my body and mind. The first time it ever happened was the most severe with a multitude of symptoms. I’ve never experienced anything as scary as that first time. Then, I seemed to have several a day for months. That’s why the docs all thought MS or a TIA at first. They thought either MS was manifesting, or I’d had a TIA and was suffering residuals afterward. One doc thought I’d had a TIA but was also manifesting MS! That was a scary diagnosis! I was so relieved when Dr. A-N said he thought it was seizures that were being triggered by R’s threats of violence, so he suspected they’d get better the further away I got from R; then, Dr. T concurred. I just breathed a huge sigh of relief. It’s okay as long as I know that they won’t always be so debilitating.
I’ve had panic attacks that felt that way. I was absolutely sure I was going to die, but being the typical woman, I was more horrified at the thought of someone knowing I was having an attack and being embarrassed by it than actually dying! Seems ludicrous in retrospect, but we women are trained not to lose composure… which is why so many of us ignore heart attack signs. We don’t want to put anyone out with a medical issues. LOL
If you need help with anything, let me know. We could always come out and lend a hand. Love you!
Oh man, isn’t that the truth? LOL “No, no, I’m fine! Can I refill your coffee?” as we’re collapsing! I was scared to death I’d ruined my phone, and that was my first thought. But, I was bleeding and in pain. I’d hit the concrete pretty dang hard, but I looked around to see if anyone was near……not to ask for help up but to make sure no one was looking!
Thank you so much for the offer! It really helps knowing that we’re not alone. Love you, too!