I rise up and feel strong. I know I’m a fighter, and I’m grateful for all I’ve been through that has brought me to where I am today. I feel immense joy when my grandchildren wrap their sweet little arms around my neck, and I experience tremendous contentment just sitting beside one of my many precious friends.
And, then, I drop. Sometimes I break. Taking me by surprise, my highs become lows.
My heart has ached all day for my 18-year-old who drove to my house FOUR times yesterday. He had drill today for the first time since graduating boot camp. Yet, his father, who he has moved in with, wasn’t home to provide him words of wisdom. He chose to be gone, with his girlfriend I’m sure, instead of being the sage father our son needed him to be in his moment of insecurity. It was proof again to me that he only wanted to take our son away from me. He didn’t really desire to meet any of this young man’s needs.
For all we’ve been through, our son chooses to be there though he must come back here for support.
My daughter justifies my oldest son’s cruelty to me. I deserve it. His harsh words about her and their brother….those, those were unnecessary and unfair. He took it too far when he moved beyond me. What do I say to that?
Nothing. I sit and I stare blankly. I stand and feel faint, nearly falling over. And, I blame it on not eating and my neck being out.
I see on Facebook that the ex bought himself a new tablet. My son posted that his dad mispronounced gigabyte and didn’t know what it meant. But, “at least he’s trying,” said my son. My daughter liked the post and commented, “LOL!”
When have I ever been excused because at least I’m trying? Never. Never in my children’s eyes. Yet, the man who brutally beat and choked and tried to kill all of us is buying toys for himself and trying, and that’s funny.
They refuse to be involved with my half-brother. They refuse to forgive my other son’s ex for “crimes” she never committed. But, I wonder if it’s really my brother and my grandson’s mother whom they hate. Or, if the real problem is that my brother, though wary of our entire family, calls to check on me. And, my grandson’s mother includes me as part of her family.
Is it that anyone who loves me must be pushed away? And, anyone who hates me is to be forgiven and embraced no matter how heinous their behavior?
Sometimes I break under the weight of the burden of my own offspring’s disregard for me and everyone I care about.
I can’t allow myself to go there though. Really. I do honestly have the best friends on the planet. I have three younger children who still need me. I have two grandchildren who love and need me. And, I’ve been chatting with a wonderful man.
I’m dancing again. My love. My passion. Moving my body in complete control, out of control, expressing all of my love and my pain and my unutterable emotions through movement.
I’ve nearly paid off all of that awful marital debt. Forty dollars remain of that $5,500 I was saddled with in the divorce. A mere forty dollars, and I’m free of nearly all vestiges of a nightmare I lived for sixteen years.
Except for the disdain of my children. That remains. That will likely always remain. And, sometimes I break in spite of the numerous good things in my new free life.
Still Scared( but getting angry) said:
Sometimes we do have pauses where we really look at how hard everything is. Sometimes we look at the mud on the ground instead of the flowers. That is okay. Hugs and prayers.
anewfreelife said:
Thank you! xoxoxo
healingInHim said:
Thank you for sharing your pain. My heart breaks for you as I too endure much of the same sinful attitudes in my life.
We are living Matthew 10
A Hard Road before Them:
16 “Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves; so be shrewd as serpents and innocent as doves. 17 But beware of men, for they will hand you over to the courts and scourge you in their synagogues; 18 and you will even be brought before governors and kings for My sake, as a testimony to them and to the Gentiles. 19 But when they hand you over, do not worry about how or what you are to say; for it will be given you in that hour what you are to say. 20 For it is not you who speak, but it is the Spirit of your Father who speaks in you.
21 “Brother will betray brother to death, and a father his child; and children will rise up against parents and [s]cause them to be put to death. 22 You will be hated by all because of My name, but it is the one who has endured to the end who will be saved.
Praying for you and rejoicing in the moments that you savour “your new free life”.:-)
anewfreelife said:
Oh my! This just made me smile this morning! You are so right. That is exactly what it is! And, He told us not to be bewildered by it. He told us to expect it. Ohhhh. This. This really comforted me this morning! Thank you so much for leading me back to Truth!
healingInHim said:
The TRUTH sets us free. Even that terminology alludes to the fact that we have been in bondage. Bondage to what? Quite often the lies of the enemy. In the past I’ve had family including my husband admit that it is my desire to please the Lord that ‘convicts others’ (including them). They don’t say that now; the crazy-making has taken on a different tone – now the circumstances are considered ‘my hole’ … I’m not sure when to clarify that term – he will become quietly annoyed with me for asking “to many questions”.
I am praying and extending many (((hugs))) to those who need the comfort of true heart-felt Christian love and compassion.
anewfreelife said:
And, I am extending many hugs and prayers back to you, sweet Sister.
Just Me With . . . said:
I have a great deal of respect for you.
anewfreelife said:
That feeling is very mutual! Thank you. 🙂
Still Scared( but getting angry) said:
Today I am feeling the weakness. I am weary of the battle to just get child support on a regular basis. It seems like the courts have no teeth and the state, well I filed the first Monday in January and still waiting. I did my taxes today and claimed my two older kids as the ex swears he will contribute NOTHING as they are over 18, so I have provided food, shelter, schooling and transportation with their help. And i checked with my lawyer about the original agreement about who can claim them. And it is me. The idiot is protesting mightily and I am so weary. I want to hide under my covers and not come out, but kids need to be taken to work and picked up, laundry loads need to be run…Thank you for your blog sweet sister. Pray for me as I am breaking today.
anewfreelife said:
I am so deeply sorry! There just seems to be no respite for you! I am definitely praying for you and will continue to do so til the very end of this. I’m standing beside you for the long haul. Hugs! 😦
Lynn said:
Dearest sweet L, my heart aches for you and those who are going through similar situations. It blows my mind that the same man who could not pay child support to help feed, clothe and house his children would buy himself a tablet! Unbelievable! Praying for you and the precious ones who shared their hearts. I like your name “anewfreelife,” but I think your name should be Phoenix – it doesn’t matter what R or life dishes out to you, you rise from the ashes! You may bend but you’re not broken! Love you precious friend.
anewfreelife said:
Thank you so very much! You are such a precious friend! I love you!
I found out today he also bought himself a new TV. New TV, tablet, $1500 into his car, has a girlfriend, while I’m celebrating finally paying off his debt and struggling to pay life insurance so the children will be taken care of should I die. All the while he spent thousands in court to get out of having to carry life insurance on himself or even pay 50% of the kids’ health expenses. It does get frustrating and heavy. There are moments it’s hard to not be resentful. But, I have to remind myself that this is who he always was. This is how we lived with him. Everything was always all about him and always all for him. At least now we have clothes and medical care and food and activities. And, freedom from beatings and his yelling and control.
I love what you said…..bent but not broken. Amen! Amen.